comedy

Check Out Some Of Yesika Salgado’s Best Clapbacks To Creepy Men Hitting On Her On Dating Apps

Yesika Salgado is an Los Angeles-based writer known for her poems about body positivity, love, heartbreak, and more. From time to time, the poet gives us a glimpse of her love life and posts the sometimes ridiculous (and hilarious) messages she receives on dating apps. Some men just don’t know how to approach a woman properly and it is likely because of all of these dating apps. It has suddenly become so much less personal. Here are some of her best responses of all time.

1. Nothing like a subtle invite for a threesome to spell out modern romance.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Legit, this LA heat is brutal. A moment in the air conditioning with some ice cold water does sound tempting. That’s what he meant, right?

2. She takes life lessons from some of the most important television shows.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

See? Next time your mom says anything about watching too much tv, remind her that it can be educational. Detective Olivia Benson would be proud.

3. What’s sexier than your career ambitions?

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

We can only assume that that’s what he meant. It is important to have goals in life and it is nice when strangers take an interest.

4. Why not take a page out of their book and use their own lines against them?

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Talk about a savage reality check. He didn’t even see it coming and it is gold.

5. Salgado proves that it is never a bad time to shut it down.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

It is really important to grow with every new year. Unfortunately, some people just don’t do that and they need to be reminded.

6. Nothing like looking for friends…with benefits?

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

What do you think is an appropriate pick up line for someone who is 31?

7. Some people just left us, and Salgado, confused.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

That’s a sentence alright. Now, what he was trying to say gets a little confusing.

8. Come correct or you might not make it out in one piece.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Like, who was he trying to reach? Also, why is that an opening line?

9. Emoji for Emoji. Seems fair, right?

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Some times the shortest conversations are the most impactful conversations. That’s one way to cut it out.

10. To be fair, she does let men know what she wants.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Very Destiny’s Child. Pay the bills and prove you are in it for the long haul and then you get to reap all of the benefits.

11. There’s nothing better than pointing out a comical spelling error.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Seriously, dude. You want to talk a big, inappropriate game and you can’t even spellcheck?

12. Word matter, kids.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Good is fine but do you want good food or amazing food? Same goes for sex. Up your game, fellas.

13. She gets creative with her rejections and they are brilliant.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

There’s being rejected online low and getting rejected by a ghost online low.

14. After a while, some people lose their cool because some people don’t get the hint.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

His “Ok ty” response to her blow up is kind of hilarious. That’s one gracious way to accept a rejection.

15. Don’t brag about your anatomical skills if you don’t want to hear about other people’s skills.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Everyone has something they’re proud of. A properly bending elbow is something to celebrate.

16. Let’s cool it with all of the body contact during this hot af summer.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Seriously. It is so hot. Most of us just want to be still and try to stay cool.

17. Some messages are better left without a response.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Don’t even bother dignifying these kinds of comments with responses. They just aren’t worth it.

18. Thankfully a few men are concerned about other people and their well-being.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Like this fine gentleman. Look at him asking her if she is feeling okay.

19. She even turned that BBC acronym around and left people confused.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

A British accent might be boring but they did invent manners. Might be something some of these men should look into.

20. And, when all else fails, summon some Harry Potter help.

CREDIT: yesikastarr / Instagram

Will immortality be the secret to finding a good man?


READ: These 23 Latino Authored Books Will Help You Get Through 2018

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Have A Virtual Hot Date? Here’s How To Make Sure It Doesn’t Suck

Culture

Have A Virtual Hot Date? Here’s How To Make Sure It Doesn’t Suck

MixMedia / Getty Images

For the single introverts among us, lockdown might seem like the perfect opportunity to re-charge our social batteries and have some much needed alone-time. But no, thanks to the wonders of technology and just how damn adaptable human beings are, virtual dating has totally become a thing. 

For better or for worse, people are dating just as much as ever – albeit through a screen. So if you’re using dating apps during lockdown, arranging video dates and looking for virtual date ideas, here’s a handy guide on how to stay safe and how to ace virtual dating.

Make a damn effort

Act as if the date was in person and get ready accordingly. Shower if you haven’t already that day — it’ll make you feel a lot better — and put on your favorite outfit. Even if it’s not seasonally appropriate, who cares? Wear the sundress pushed all the way back in your closet. Put on makeup if that’s your thing, and do your hair. 

It makes all the difference not only in how you present yourself but by how you perceive yourself. You’ll feel better on the date, more like your “usual” self. 

Figure out your camera setup beforehand

Pro-tip: Do all this the day before, or at least an hour before, the date starts. That way you’re not scrambling and worrying about your angles. Decide if you’re going to use your phone or computer. Put it at eye-level, if possible. If you’re using a laptop, you can place it on a stack of books, but you can also DIY it by leaning your phone against your laptop screen (which can have its own book stack setup) or anything else you can find. 

And…lighting…lighting….lighting! Set yourself up with some good, flattering lighting before you start the call. Find a place that’s the most flattering in your house. Be sure you’re not backlit by a window which can wash out your face.

Simulate real date ideas

Credit: Luis Alvarez / Getty Images

Although you obviously can’t “grab a drink” together, you can simulate that. Text before the date and decide if you’ll be drinking wine, coffee, or eating dinner “together.” You can even do a twist on “Netflix and chill,” simultaneously using Netflix’s “party” function; if you go that route, choose something campy or that you’ve both seen before so you can chat easily during it.

Trust your instincts

“A nip slip may not be appropriate for a date with a new person,” Moraya DeGeare, a licensed marriage and family therapist, joked to Refinery 29. “It’s modern times, so I think there will be the temptation for people to be really bold and ask about FaceTime sex. People are horny and trapped in their houses. On one hand, that’s okay, but on the other, you’re risking someone taking screenshots,” she cautions. “Listen to your intuition and don’t do something you don’t feel comfortable with.”

She adds that you shouldn’t take the call from bed, because “you’re immediately sending all these other signals unintentionally.” Generally, she says you should conduct the date as you would in person.

Expect awkwardness to happen, because it will happen

Credit: Peter Dazely / Getty Images

Awkwardness isn’t necessarily a bad thing and, when dating is involved, it’s inevitable. First dates in real life have their own clumsy moments, so don’t beat yourself up if your camera freezes for a moment, or if you talk over the other person. It’s going to happen! Just laugh about it and move on.

Stay safe and comfortable

Although it may seem like common sense, being cooped up inside for so long has left many of us lacking some of the most basic people skills. Remember to not give out any of your personal details – think home address and bank details – and watch out for any suspicious links that might come through in the chat.

Before the date, it’s also a good idea to do some recon on your date’s social media to make sure they are who they say they are. Also, don’t show your face on camera if they’re not showing theirs, that’s a serious red flag.

And lastly, know that you can end the date whenever you want to. You don’t owe anybody anything and it’s totally fine if you’re feeling uncomfortable or in danger to just end the call. But remember, basic dating etiquete also still remains so don’t just close your computer screen without saying goodbye because you’re just not feeling the vibe.

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‘Size Fits All Tags’ And ‘Great Clickbait’— People Name The Worst Things That Are Legal

Things That Matter

‘Size Fits All Tags’ And ‘Great Clickbait’— People Name The Worst Things That Are Legal

Beeldbewerking/ Getty

The world is plagued with some crazy and unfair laws, no doubt about it. But what about the things that exist and legal? Why are, for instance, spam callers allowed to trick you by calling from similar numbers to yours? Or, why is it impossible to criminally convict your roommate from keeping you up all night or dipping into your ice-cream and lie about it?

Users on Reddit are asking similar questions and the answers are pretty hilarious but also intriguing.

“I’m just gonna have to say little girl’s beauty pageants. It just doesnt sit right with me. And not only because of the fact it’s creepy, but I feel like it’s stressful on the kid and on their body image.” –kitty-cult

“College book prices and practices. Change a few words in a math book, that’ll be another $100 please. Oh you realized that you can use the book from 10 years ago and succeed? Actually we require you get the new book. Oh you realized you can get the book cheaper from a friend? Actually we’re doing online books now and you need the personalized code. We change it every year even though there have been no breakthroughs in this subject! Knowing the college struggle i have no fucking clue how this is allowed to exist. It should literally be illegal.” –WitlessMean

“Puppy mills.” –thechronicwinter

“Sending letters to home owners labeled ‘IMPORTANT MORTGAGE / FINANCIAL INFO’ or ‘LAST WARNING / NOTICE’ and having the inside look exactly like a bill, letterhead and little box in the corner with figures inside… all to then say ‘refinance with us’ or ‘don’t miss this opportunity for etc etc’ Makes me heart skip every time thinking I’ve forgotten some critical bill until I open it.”- IDUU

“The fact car radio commercials are allowed to have police sirens or car crashes in them as a way to Get your attention.”- jagfanjosh3252

“The size of the ‘x’ button on pop-up ads.” –_Denes_

“Socks: ‘Fits size 6-12.'” –klitorisaurus

“Spice/K2/Synthetic Weed. This may have changed in the last few years but I found it embarrassing that our country locks up thousands for actual marijuana but allowed that shit to be sold at every gas station and liquor store knowing damn good and well that it was hurting and killing people.”-m0ndayisb0ng0day

“You can look up where any one lives because it’s public record. But can we please not have entire websites with data bases full of every person in the country?? I mean think about people who get denied restraining orders and try to move away from their abuser. Six months later and their abuser can just look up their name and find them all over again. This could be detrimental for spouse abuse victims, stalking victims, etc. something should be done about them. It’s terrifying.” –21DrunkPilots

“Lying through your teeth on “news” shows because you claim you’re actually “entertainment”. Even while it has “news” in the title of the station. Being able to lie through your teeth on an opinion show just bc it’s an opinion show. Opinions should be opinions about facts. Opinion should not be an excuse for slander or making knowingly false statements in the media.” –jseego

“No-knock warrants. We’ve seen time and time again where Law Enforcement has the wrong address and some innocent person ends up dead because of a logistical mistake.” –Mr-and-Mrs

“Impossibly hard to cancel subscriptions.” –ungFu-omega-warrior

“Putting unrelated crap into bills to sneak it into law. I know they’re supposed to follow some kind rules related to germaneness, but they clearly don’t, and clearly need actual laws with actual punishments for pulling this crap.” –Gr1pp717

“Multi level Marketing.” –whyykai

“Civil Asset Seizure by Police – No Crimes Needed!”- vegetarianrobots

“The troubled teen industry. Parents pay a company to kidnap kids while they’re sleeping and send them off to ‘therapeutic’ boarding schools where they are abused in every conceivable way.”- MyDongIsAWiFiHotspot

“Sweatshop labor outsourced by tech and Fortune 500 companies. It’s essentially contemporary slavery we collectively allow.”- crumpledForeskin

“Being penalized for calling out sick from work. Edit. Even while the whole world is trying to survive this pandemic, we’re still dealing with this major issue by employers. I work in health care, and I feel like I get shamed by my managers and coworkers when you call out. Especially when you work night shift.” –pongomer

“I (f) bought a car recently. During the process of negotiation I decided I wanted to do more research and the salesman refused to give me the keys to MY car so I could leave. Literally saw me looking for my keys and withheld them while repeatedly saying, ‘But what could I do to get you into this car today?’ I finally demanded my keys but bought the car anyway (they met my asking price and got me the financing I wanted) but I’m SO mad at myself for not making a scene. For allowing that man to hold me hostage and not being outraged. I don’t understand why I didn’t humiliate him and instead meekly just sat and took it. I called the manager the next day. But still. So disappointed in myself…” – UncomonShaman

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