comedy

These Are The (Modern) Saints All Millennials Didn’t Know They Needed

Christina Henderson / mitú / @alinemac / Instagram

Saints hold a special place in the hearts of some people. Want to find a lover? Some believe that hanging a San Antonio figurine upside down and pray, he will get you a lover. Others pray to San Francisco de Asis to make sure their pets are taken care of. These are great, but what about more modern saints to tackle the issues we millennials are really dealing with? Well, we thought the same thing and came up with a few of our own.

1. Santa Almohada to get your mom off your case on Saturday mornings.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Like the name implies, this saint is guaranteed to make sure that you are left en paz to sleep just a few minutes…or hours…longer.

2. Santa Buena Noticia to allow chisme into the right path…our ear canal.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Looking for good chisme? Well, give Santa Buena Noticia her offering of shade and before you know it, you’ll know everything about Lupe’s wild weekend in Vegas.

3. Santo Avo for that perfect shade of green.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Santo Avo has spent his life, and sainthood, make sure that all avocado lovers are taken care of. No matter what that little avocado has been through, one prayer to this saint will guarantee a flawless cut and beautifully rip avocado.

4. Santa Cara for a flawless selfie every single time.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

This saint will always make sure that your contour pops, your lighting is on point, and your selfies are forever flawless.

5. Santo Chanclazo because we all need a little divine protection from flying chanclas.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

We all know that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Think you can get a tattoo at 25 and it’s all cool? Think again and make sure you have this saint’s prayer handy so you can duck that dreaded chanclazo.

6. Santa Cruda will heal you from physical pain. Lack of dignity? Not so much.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Every Saturday it’s the same thing: pounding headache, dry mouth, and sooo much regret. Enter Santa Cruda. She won’t be able to erase the crazy sh•t you do, but she can make sure you wake up refreshed and ready to own up to your drunken mistakes.

7. Santo Palo to eternally capture life’s most meaningful moments.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Simple: our arms aren’t long enough to take a good selfie with the family. Thanks to this saint, we finally have the necessary tools.

8. Santa Cuenta for when your wallet doesn’t stack up next to the Bible.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

You might want to pair this saint with Santa Cruda. The only thing worse that waking up with a hangover is waking up broke with a hangover.

9. Santo Weefee when you need holy access to the everlasting world of the Internet.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Keep this one close so you don’t go over your data limit. Nothing ruins a vacation like going over your data limit.

10. Santa Gana ftw.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Attention Manchester United fans: This saint has one purpose and that’s to help your team finally win. Just send up a little prayer up to Santa Gana and you’ll finally be able to brag to your friends.

11. Santo Elo because only something of celestial capacities can ever get his attention.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Make sure you keep this card handy on your nights out. Santo Elo won’t be able to provide you with a midnight elote, but he can surely give you a fair chance of catching the elotero.

12. Santa Sana mi barriguita.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Having a hard time with your diet? Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Luckily, there’s finally a saint just for you! That’s right. Santa Sana is all about helping you stay on your diet…even if she has to slap that concha out of your hands.

13. Santo Silencio for when you need spiritual help to keep the chisme sealed in.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

If you do have a hard time stick to your diet (or just doing you all single and stuff) this saint will always keep the chismosa and nosy tía silent.

14. Santa Llamada to help illuminate the path directly to your long lost phone.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Nothing is more devastating that losing your phone. Since this is a new problem, a new saint has come along to make sure that your little mobile device is never too far gone when you need it most.


READ: You Thought Giving Up Chocolate Was Nuts, Look At These 9 Crazy Things My Family Endured For Lent

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This Woman From NYC Did A ‘Why I’m Single Brochure’ And She Totally Roasted Her Tía

Culture

This Woman From NYC Did A ‘Why I’m Single Brochure’ And She Totally Roasted Her Tía

@melissacroce / Twitter

We all know what it’s like to mentally prepare to see family after you’ve moved away from home. You’re going to hear all of the “ay, que flaquita” and “¿y el novio?” questions all in one breath. Those are just the most common questions. We all know that it never ends there. People are going to ask you about your job a million different ways, and still not get it.

Of course, every single viejo is going to ask you why you’re still single. “Mejor sola que mal acompañada,” so they say. Well, Melissa Croce had a lot more than that to tell her family and her reaction is something that can help all of us get ready for that family reunion.

Melissa Croce wanted to nip all questions in the bud with a handy brochure.

@melissacroce / Twitter

Apparently, it all started as a joke between Croce and her coworkers, but she couldn’t let go of the idea. After you read her brochure, you’ll understand why it’s so cathartic.

“So You Haven’t Seen Melissa Croce in Several Years: A Primer”

Here’s a lil life update on the subject of your chismosando, honey. “She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’ll say it to your face.” Boom. Roasted. Who hasn’t felt the same way when getting ready to see your family?

Croce handily has two separate columns for Job vs New York FAQS.

@melissacroce / Twitter

So many folks had a good laugh at the “Should you, though?” in response to “I should come visit you!” We’ve all braced ourselves through a fake grin answering highly judgmental questions. When they go low, we go high. When they go low, we go high. This brochure is pure low. 😂

You open the brochure to the question of the house: “Why is Melissa Single?”

@melissacroce / Twitter

You can choose whatever adventurous conversation experience you are initiating. What a perfect way to let the family know what they’re getting themselves into by passing judgment on single, working women.

Croce tweeted out her brochure and may have started a new side hustle for herself!

@EM_bolden / Twitter

Follow your passions and everything else will follow. Even though Latinas can all relate to being asked this question, sexism is universal. Croce might have a new career calling!

Even folks are asking for her career advice at this point.

@rheaswriting / Twitter

When you see success, you chase it, right? Croce works for a publishing company but isn’t editing or reading books. She’s marketing children’s books. You know, in case you didn’t read the brochure.

Croce didn’t actually pass out the brochures.

@KelseyMarrujo / Twitter

Of course, one *man* commented that, “The only thing that would be more petty than this would be actually giving it to people at the wedding.”

Croce told Buzzfeed, “I didn’t hand the brochures out! For one thing, I like my cousin, and secondly, I don’t think my aunts and uncles would’ve been too pleased with me if I did — but I did have to answer many of the questions on the brochure, so maybe I should’ve after all!”

One fan took the opportunity to formally ask Croce to be her life coach.

@EmiCalico / Twitter

Croce was surprised to learn how relatable her experience was–“going to a big event and exposing the basics of your life to people who mean well, but are also strangers in many ways.”

She said yes, of course.

@melissacroce / Twitter

We’re glad some folks are appreciating Croce because the sexism hasn’t relented since she tweeted out the brochure. Folks have been telling her, “boo hoo, suck it up,” and “we get it, you’re sexist and hate men.”

Nope. Women expressing their frustration with sexism is not allowed in a patriarchal society, and that’s not stopping anyone.

So many people are taking this brochure to heart and figuring out how they can make it their own.

@little_mswriter / Twitter

Thank you, Croce, and we hope the half dozen folks who have publicly reached out asking for their own brochure. If you’re reading this, Croce, we’ll leave you with this friendly message from @jmlandais:

“You definitely are good at your work. Turned your angst in a great brochure that stroke a nerve. I think you can ask for a raise.”

READ: What To Expect If You’re Introducing Your Novio To The Fam

Dad Jokes Make Us Roll Our Eyes Most Of The Time, But These Will Also Make You Chuckle

Culture

Dad Jokes Make Us Roll Our Eyes Most Of The Time, But These Will Also Make You Chuckle

mitú

Once a year, we get to honor the absolutely ludicrous, outrageously dumb dad jokes that only a Latino padre could concoct. This one goes out to all the dads on Día del Padre for all the truly heroic effort they’ve put into making us smile-grimace.

We love you como nadie.

We’ve figured out the secret to all your jokes, dad.

myrliememes.tumblr.com

Y’all are just twisting words around and we love it. It isn’t situational humor or anything with a super long backstory. Hard punches that are so dumb you feel fooled.

You have to say some of these out loud.

Credit: mitú

The best jokes are the ones that are so dumb it takes us a couple of times to get it. But when we do… 😂

Luckily, one Spanish word has 47 different meanings.

langfordays.tumblr.com

That’s why Latino dad jokes are the best dad jokes. The language is basically built for you guys to twist our arms.

Back in 2003, you really got into the “Soy” jokes.

Credit: mitú

Like, “What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself?” Yeah, yeah, we get it. Bilingual jokes are the best.

Just say it out loud… slowly.

We’re not sure when you all started learning how to meme, but it’s slowing us down. Thank you for that. 🙂 

If your mom and dad could create a meme it would look like this:

Credit: mitú

Mama out here trying to prove her point and dad backing her up with the dad jokes. This is every Latino family dynamic, right?

This *terrible* joke that was said at every family gathering from 2001-2011.

@spookyboricua / Twitter

It’s a vintage dad joke. It has a different shine on it now.

Still, so bad.

Thank you to the dad who provided a key to his dad joke.

spanishskulduggery.tumblr.com

Other dads, take note. If you were raised Catholic, you already had they key brainwashed into you during all twelve years of CCD classes.

Dad joke of the year:

@lilJuanJuan98 / Twitter

Wait for it… wait for it… 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

This isn’t a joke. We know you’re all dead serious when the “tu sabes lo que dicen” comes out.

@cinemasbabe / Twitter

Sorry Jade, we might all consider the ends of those sentences a joke, but our dads ain’t playing. Hope this made a hard-working comedian of a dad laugh a little. We love you.

READ: These Latinos Are Dropping Some Amazing Jokes On Twitter And They Need To Be Acknowledged

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