comedy

These Are The (Modern) Saints All Millennials Didn’t Know They Needed

Saints hold a special place in the hearts of some people. Want to find a lover? Some believe that hanging a San Antonio figurine upside down and pray, he will get you a lover. Others pray to San Francisco de Asis to make sure their pets are taken care of. These are great, but what about more modern saints to tackle the issues we millennials are really dealing with? Well, we thought the same thing and came up with a few of our own.

1. Santa Almohada to get your mom off your case on Saturday mornings.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Like the name implies, this saint is guaranteed to make sure that you are left en paz to sleep just a few minutes…or hours…longer.

2. Santa Buena Noticia to allow chisme into the right path…our ear canal.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Looking for good chisme? Well, give Santa Buena Noticia her offering of shade and before you know it, you’ll know everything about Lupe’s wild weekend in Vegas.

3. Santo Avo for that perfect shade of green.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Santo Avo has spent his life, and sainthood, make sure that all avocado lovers are taken care of. No matter what that little avocado has been through, one prayer to this saint will guarantee a flawless cut and beautifully rip avocado.

4. Santa Cara for a flawless selfie every single time.

Christina Henderson / mitú

This saint will always make sure that your contour pops, your lighting is on point, and your selfies are forever flawless.

5. Santo Chanclazo because we all need a little divine protection from flying chanclas.

Christina Henderson / mitú

We all know that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Think you can get a tattoo at 25 and it’s all cool? Think again and make sure you have this saint’s prayer handy so you can duck that dreaded chanclazo.

6. Santa Cruda will heal you from physical pain. Lack of dignity? Not so much.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Every Saturday it’s the same thing: pounding headache, dry mouth, and sooo much regret. Enter Santa Cruda. She won’t be able to erase the crazy sh•t you do, but she can make sure you wake up refreshed and ready to own up to your drunken mistakes.

7. Santo Palo to eternally capture life’s most meaningful moments.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Simple: our arms aren’t long enough to take a good selfie with the family. Thanks to this saint, we finally have the necessary tools.

8. Santa Cuenta for when your wallet doesn’t stack up next to the Bible.

Christina Henderson / mitú

You might want to pair this saint with Santa Cruda. The only thing worse that waking up with a hangover is waking up broke with a hangover.

9. Santo Weefee when you need holy access to the everlasting world of the Internet.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Keep this one close so you don’t go over your data limit. Nothing ruins a vacation like going over your data limit.

10. Santa Gana ftw.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Attention Manchester United fans: This saint has one purpose and that’s to help your team finally win. Just send up a little prayer up to Santa Gana and you’ll finally be able to brag to your friends.

11. Santo Elo because only something of celestial capacities can ever get his attention.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Make sure you keep this card handy on your nights out. Santo Elo won’t be able to provide you with a midnight elote, but he can surely give you a fair chance of catching the elotero.

12. Santa Sana mi barriguita.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Having a hard time with your diet? Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Luckily, there’s finally a saint just for you! That’s right. Santa Sana is all about helping you stay on your diet…even if she has to slap that concha out of your hands.

13. Santo Silencio for when you need spiritual help to keep the chisme sealed in.

Christina Henderson / mitú

If you do have a hard time stick to your diet (or just doing you all single and stuff) this saint will always keep the chismosa and nosy tía silent.

14. Santa Llamada to help illuminate the path directly to your long lost phone.

Christina Henderson / mitú

Nothing is more devastating that losing your phone. Since this is a new problem, a new saint has come along to make sure that your little mobile device is never too far gone when you need it most.


READ: You Thought Giving Up Chocolate Was Nuts, Look At These 9 Crazy Things My Family Endured For Lent

Share this story with all of your friends by tapping that little share button below!

Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at corrections@wearemitu.com

This Hilarious Viral Video is Being Called the Latino Version of ‘Get Out’

comedy

This Hilarious Viral Video is Being Called the Latino Version of ‘Get Out’

Screenshot via xgabsterz/Twitter

We’ve all experienced it before–the nervousness of meeting your partner’s parents. And if you’re in an interracial relationship, that nervousness grows exponentially.

That’s why this video of a young Latino man who is hesitant about entering his white girlfriend’s Trump-supporting family’s house has gone viral.

It’s #relatable.

The video starts off with the unnamed boyfriend narrating what’s happening to him as his girlfriend practically drags him into her parent’s home.

In Spanish, he says “I’m going to visit my girlfriend’s parent’s house. The house is very beautiful and she wants me to go inside. But I’m not going to do that because there’s a problem.”

At this point, he pans up to focus on a “Trump” sign prominently displayed on the front lawn.

He turns the camera around to show his own very worried face. The young man’s girlfriend tries to assure him that everything is okay, promising him that her parents are “going to like you”.

The young man tells her to go on without him because he “doesn’t want to die” today. “Maybe tomorrow, yes. But today–no,” he says.

His girlfriend keeps insisting he follow her in until he finally says: “They don’t like me!” before zooming in on the “Trump/Pence” sign one final time. The comedic timing is *chef’s kiss* impeccable.

The video is captioned “This Spanish remake of ‘Get Out’–a witty nod to the 2017 horror film.

As a refresher, “Get Out” centers on a young Black man in an interracial relationship who visits his white girlfriend’s family for the weekend. Soon, he realizes the family is not quite as idyllic as they’re pretending to be. Before long, he realizes his life is in danger.

The movie accurately depicted the real-life horror of racism and white supremacy through a cinematic lens. Phrases like “the sunken place” (the place the main character went when he’s paralyzed by his girlfriend’s mother) became cultural shorthand for: the “place an oppressed person goes when they have become silent or compliant to their own oppression” (thanks Urban Dictionary).

Internet commentators chimed in with their own thoughts and opinions about the super relatable video.

One Reddit user knew exactly how the young man felt. “As a biracial person who dated a girl from a very conservative Republican family, they never let me forget that I was biracial,” he said. “They brought it up almost every day.”

Another knew the struggles of having family members with different views from their own: “I have friends and family members that have been radicalized.. it’s very difficult to have a conversation about anything anymore that doesn’t end with vitriol.”

Another Reddit user had more sympathy for the man’s girlfriend. “I feel bad for the girl honestly,” they said. “We may be able to choose who we befriend, but we can never choose our parents.”

Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at corrections@wearemitu.com

‘Size Fits All Tags’ And ‘Great Clickbait’— People Name The Worst Things That Are Legal

Things That Matter

‘Size Fits All Tags’ And ‘Great Clickbait’— People Name The Worst Things That Are Legal

The world is plagued with some crazy and unfair laws, no doubt about it. But what about the things that exist and legal? Why are, for instance, spam callers allowed to trick you by calling from similar numbers to yours? Or, why is it impossible to criminally convict your roommate from keeping you up all night or dipping into your ice-cream and lie about it?

Users on Reddit are asking similar questions and the answers are pretty hilarious but also intriguing.

“I’m just gonna have to say little girl’s beauty pageants. It just doesnt sit right with me. And not only because of the fact it’s creepy, but I feel like it’s stressful on the kid and on their body image.” –kitty-cult

“College book prices and practices. Change a few words in a math book, that’ll be another $100 please. Oh you realized that you can use the book from 10 years ago and succeed? Actually we require you get the new book. Oh you realized you can get the book cheaper from a friend? Actually we’re doing online books now and you need the personalized code. We change it every year even though there have been no breakthroughs in this subject! Knowing the college struggle i have no fucking clue how this is allowed to exist. It should literally be illegal.” –WitlessMean

“Puppy mills.” –thechronicwinter

“Sending letters to home owners labeled ‘IMPORTANT MORTGAGE / FINANCIAL INFO’ or ‘LAST WARNING / NOTICE’ and having the inside look exactly like a bill, letterhead and little box in the corner with figures inside… all to then say ‘refinance with us’ or ‘don’t miss this opportunity for etc etc’ Makes me heart skip every time thinking I’ve forgotten some critical bill until I open it.”- IDUU

“The fact car radio commercials are allowed to have police sirens or car crashes in them as a way to Get your attention.”- jagfanjosh3252

“The size of the ‘x’ button on pop-up ads.” –_Denes_

“Socks: ‘Fits size 6-12.'” –klitorisaurus

“Spice/K2/Synthetic Weed. This may have changed in the last few years but I found it embarrassing that our country locks up thousands for actual marijuana but allowed that shit to be sold at every gas station and liquor store knowing damn good and well that it was hurting and killing people.”-m0ndayisb0ng0day

“You can look up where any one lives because it’s public record. But can we please not have entire websites with data bases full of every person in the country?? I mean think about people who get denied restraining orders and try to move away from their abuser. Six months later and their abuser can just look up their name and find them all over again. This could be detrimental for spouse abuse victims, stalking victims, etc. something should be done about them. It’s terrifying.” –21DrunkPilots

“Lying through your teeth on “news” shows because you claim you’re actually “entertainment”. Even while it has “news” in the title of the station. Being able to lie through your teeth on an opinion show just bc it’s an opinion show. Opinions should be opinions about facts. Opinion should not be an excuse for slander or making knowingly false statements in the media.” –jseego

“No-knock warrants. We’ve seen time and time again where Law Enforcement has the wrong address and some innocent person ends up dead because of a logistical mistake.” –Mr-and-Mrs

“Impossibly hard to cancel subscriptions.” –ungFu-omega-warrior

“Putting unrelated crap into bills to sneak it into law. I know they’re supposed to follow some kind rules related to germaneness, but they clearly don’t, and clearly need actual laws with actual punishments for pulling this crap.” –Gr1pp717

“Multi level Marketing.” –whyykai

“Civil Asset Seizure by Police – No Crimes Needed!”- vegetarianrobots

“The troubled teen industry. Parents pay a company to kidnap kids while they’re sleeping and send them off to ‘therapeutic’ boarding schools where they are abused in every conceivable way.”- MyDongIsAWiFiHotspot

“Sweatshop labor outsourced by tech and Fortune 500 companies. It’s essentially contemporary slavery we collectively allow.”- crumpledForeskin

“Being penalized for calling out sick from work. Edit. Even while the whole world is trying to survive this pandemic, we’re still dealing with this major issue by employers. I work in health care, and I feel like I get shamed by my managers and coworkers when you call out. Especially when you work night shift.” –pongomer

“I (f) bought a car recently. During the process of negotiation I decided I wanted to do more research and the salesman refused to give me the keys to MY car so I could leave. Literally saw me looking for my keys and withheld them while repeatedly saying, ‘But what could I do to get you into this car today?’ I finally demanded my keys but bought the car anyway (they met my asking price and got me the financing I wanted) but I’m SO mad at myself for not making a scene. For allowing that man to hold me hostage and not being outraged. I don’t understand why I didn’t humiliate him and instead meekly just sat and took it. I called the manager the next day. But still. So disappointed in myself…” – UncomonShaman

Notice any needed corrections? Please email us at corrections@wearemitu.com