comedy

These Are The (Modern) Saints All Millennials Didn’t Know They Needed

Saints hold a special place in the hearts of some people. Want to find a lover? Some believe that hanging a San Antonio figurine upside down and pray, he will get you a lover. Others pray to San Francisco de Asis to make sure their pets are taken care of. These are great, but what about more modern saints to tackle the issues we millennials are really dealing with? Well, we thought the same thing and came up with a few of our own.

1. Santa Almohada to get your mom off your case on Saturday mornings.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Like the name implies, this saint is guaranteed to make sure that you are left en paz to sleep just a few minutes…or hours…longer.

2. Santa Buena Noticia to allow chisme into the right path…our ear canal.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Looking for good chisme? Well, give Santa Buena Noticia her offering of shade and before you know it, you’ll know everything about Lupe’s wild weekend in Vegas.

3. Santo Avo for that perfect shade of green.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Santo Avo has spent his life, and sainthood, make sure that all avocado lovers are taken care of. No matter what that little avocado has been through, one prayer to this saint will guarantee a flawless cut and beautifully rip avocado.

4. Santa Cara for a flawless selfie every single time.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

This saint will always make sure that your contour pops, your lighting is on point, and your selfies are forever flawless.

5. Santo Chanclazo because we all need a little divine protection from flying chanclas.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

We all know that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Think you can get a tattoo at 25 and it’s all cool? Think again and make sure you have this saint’s prayer handy so you can duck that dreaded chanclazo.

6. Santa Cruda will heal you from physical pain. Lack of dignity? Not so much.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Every Saturday it’s the same thing: pounding headache, dry mouth, and sooo much regret. Enter Santa Cruda. She won’t be able to erase the crazy sh•t you do, but she can make sure you wake up refreshed and ready to own up to your drunken mistakes.

7. Santo Palo to eternally capture life’s most meaningful moments.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Simple: our arms aren’t long enough to take a good selfie with the family. Thanks to this saint, we finally have the necessary tools.

8. Santa Cuenta for when your wallet doesn’t stack up next to the Bible.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

You might want to pair this saint with Santa Cruda. The only thing worse that waking up with a hangover is waking up broke with a hangover.

9. Santo Weefee when you need holy access to the everlasting world of the Internet.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Keep this one close so you don’t go over your data limit. Nothing ruins a vacation like going over your data limit.

10. Santa Gana ftw.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Attention Manchester United fans: This saint has one purpose and that’s to help your team finally win. Just send up a little prayer up to Santa Gana and you’ll finally be able to brag to your friends.

11. Santo Elo because only something of celestial capacities can ever get his attention.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Make sure you keep this card handy on your nights out. Santo Elo won’t be able to provide you with a midnight elote, but he can surely give you a fair chance of catching the elotero.

12. Santa Sana mi barriguita.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Having a hard time with your diet? Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Luckily, there’s finally a saint just for you! That’s right. Santa Sana is all about helping you stay on your diet…even if she has to slap that concha out of your hands.

13. Santo Silencio for when you need spiritual help to keep the chisme sealed in.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

If you do have a hard time stick to your diet (or just doing you all single and stuff) this saint will always keep the chismosa and nosy tía silent.

14. Santa Llamada to help illuminate the path directly to your long lost phone.

Christina Henderson / mitú
CREDIT: Christina Henderson / mitú

Nothing is more devastating that losing your phone. Since this is a new problem, a new saint has come along to make sure that your little mobile device is never too far gone when you need it most.


READ: You Thought Giving Up Chocolate Was Nuts, Look At These 9 Crazy Things My Family Endured For Lent

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University Student Arrested For Creating Meme Account Calling Out New Government

Things That Matter

University Student Arrested For Creating Meme Account Calling Out New Government

Suchel 2.0 / Facebook

On the last day of 2019, Bolivian officials arrested a university student for creating a popular meme account that criticized the controversial change of government. Bolivia saw a change from long-beloved indigenous President Evo Morales to the self-declared Conservative Christian Interim President Jeanine Añez Chavez. The arrest of María Alejandra Salinas comes in the wake of rising concern of the stability of the democracy after military personnel violently ransacked President Morales’ home. Morales is currently living in exile in Mexico City, his new asylum home. Now, those who were concerned about the new right-wing government are troubled to learn of Salinas’s arrest in what they perceive as a violation of free speech. Salinas, herself, was worried before she was even arrested. She deactivated her account just days before her arrest for fear of her own personal safety after receiving numerous death and rape threats.

The new government actions are prompting civilian debate about whether it’s okay for the government to censor and arrest citizens for sharing differing political views.

María Alejandra Salinas ran the meme account Suchel, which reached over 10,000 followers until she shut it down.

CREDIT: GUSTAVO GARECA / FACEBOOK

A graduate student in feminist studies at La Universidad Mayor de San Andrés, Salinas decided to join the mass protests after the forced resignation of former Bolivian President Morales. She protested in her own way by creating a digital meme account called Suchel that garnered 10,000 followers since Morales’ exile on Nov. 10. If you’re reading this, you probably already understand the art of the meme. Using humor to give cutting insight into political opinions, #Suchel became emblematic of an Internet subculture of Bolivia’s pro-Morales, pro-Indigenous movement.

The government’s move to arrest Salinas only seems to validate Suchel’s followers’ concerns: that the state is seeking to maintain its power by any means necessary, including violating free speech rights.

Others are celebrating the arrest of Salinas, calling her a “digital warrior” seeking to “destabilize the government of our President Jeanine Añez.”

CREDIT: SUCHEL 2.0 / FACEBOOK

A Facebook group called “¡El 21-F SE RESPETA!” that had reached an equal size to Suchel’s leftist group is celebrating her arrest. The right-ist group seems to also employ the same use of memes to spread their political ideology. Still, members are celebrating Salinas’s arrest, claiming that she “comes from a bourgeois family that enjoys the honey of capitalism and defends socialism.”

Meanwhile, the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (CIDH) reported that a bot campaign was employed by far-right government factions to influence public opinion in their favor. The CIDH found that 68,000 fake accounts posted over 1 million tweets during a week-long period before, during, and after the coup. Suchel became one of the few authentic informative accounts that indigenous and liberal Bolivians could rely on. 

“They say that I promote hate, indoctrinate people,” Salinas later wrote in a social media post. “This is just a page that doesn’t even reach 10 percent of the population in Bolivia. I have no power over people,” she added. 

According to Salinas, four men physically assaulted her and threatened to rape her if she didn’t give them her phone password.

CREDIT: @WYATTREED13 / TWITTER

Four men who knew that Salinas was the Suchel administrator ganged up on her and physically held her down in front of two police officers. When she refused to give them her cell phone code, they attempted to rape her. Later, when she confronted the police officers who “did nothing,” they told her “it was my fault because I had not listened to them,” according to a shocking social media post in Spanish (pictured above). Salinas was already the victim of sexual assault and death threats and deserved protection rather than persecution. On Dec. 28, Salinas announced that she would be shutting down the Suchel accounts for fear of her and her family’s safety. “Due to the lack of guarantees, I decided today to close Suchel on Facebook, at least until I am sure that my life and that of my family is not at risk,” Salinas posted to Suchel, according to Pagina SieteThree days later, she was arrested.

In a public statement in Spanish, CIDES demanded that “the corresponding authorities give the unrestricted respect for [Salinas’] rights during the legal process that is being carried out and taking into account the risks that due to the gender condition usually involve in these cases,” according to a local outlet.

Already, Suchel 2.0 accounts have popped up on several social media platforms.

CREDIT: @PAGINA_SIETE / TWITTER

The government’s attempt to control the online narrative of its administration’s rise to power and subsequent human rights violations appears to be unsustainable. While Salinas remains detained by authorities disdainful of her political views, Bolivians continue to raise their voices and seek community on and offline.

READ: An Angry Group Of Anti-Morales Protesters Attacked This Bolivian Mayor Ripping Off Her Clothes And Cutting Her Scalp

10 Instagram Fails That Prove Many Peoples’ “Best Lives” Are Fake AF

Culture

10 Instagram Fails That Prove Many Peoples’ “Best Lives” Are Fake AF

u/purpleyellowpaint / Reddit

Instagram is without a doubt, the social media platform we have the most complicated relationship with. Although the photo-sharing platform was created with the intention of connecting people who want to share special moments from their lives, it has recently devolved into the social media that experts are calling most detrimental to our mental health.

The problem with Instagram lies in the images Instagram users present to the world: staged, curated, and–more increasingly–edited beyond recognition. After all, it’s not like the phrase “do it for the ‘Gram” came out of nowhere. People want to present the best versions of themselves to their followers because they know that that’s what racks up the most likes. The problem with many Instagram users’ “best versions” of themselves, however, is that those versions aren’t based in reality. We compiled a list of the worst Instagram fails of 2019 to show to our readers that what you see isn’t always what you get. Check it out below!

1. This person who edited their face, but not their reflection

Credit: u/dantemarlvin / Reddit

Ahh, the old “I face-tuned my face within an inch of its life but forgot to edit its reflection” problem. Many a brave solider has fallen victim to this mistake. Many more will follow.

2. When even famous celebs are a victim of Instagram fails

Credit: iamcardib / Instagram

Cardi B’s photoshopping fail proves that even celebrities are insecure about their bodies and feel the need to alter their appearance in pictures. Even someone as beautiful and successful as Cardi B gives in to the pressure to be “perfect” for the public. 

3. When one person edits their face, to the detriment of others

Credit: u/em_abdo / Reddit

Look, we all know that pretty much no one looks hot on Christmas morning. We’re always rushed to get out of bed and probably sleep-deprived. It’s unfortunate that a situation least conducive for great photos is the time of year we’re most often in front of the camera. And while most of us resist the urge to face-tune ourselves in the family photo, some people (like the girl on the far left) can’t post a pic without tampering with it. Unfortunately, the end result is jarring and super noticeable.

4. This girl photoshopped a Lamborghini logo on her car’s steering wheel

Credit: u/mike-wazowskis-cock / Reddit

We give this girl credit for thinking of new and creative ways to flex on Instagram. Pro tip: if you really want people thinking you own a luxury car, go to a fancy car dealership and ask to test drive the newest model. Then, you can take a selfie in the driver’s seat and no one will ever be any wiser (#sarcasm).

5. This guy photo-shopped weights onto his bar, but forgot to add them to the reflection

Credit: u/mr_kord / Reddit

Here’s another Instagram fail where the reflection tells the real story. This is the type of photoshop fail that totally baffles us. Why lie about how much you can lift? It’s pretty easy to tell how strong someone is by looking at their body! 

6. This guy “travels” the world by photo-shopping himself into different locations

Credit: u/princessplastilina / Reddit

If you’re going to photoshop yourself as a world traveler, at least change up your pose once in a while. 

7. This guy also “travels” the world, but the fence behind him oddly stays the same…

Credit: u/purple_lamas / Reddit

This guy doesn’t even try to photoshop himself into new locations. Instead, he just changes his location tags and trusts that his followers will believe that he’s jet-setting around the globe. But it doesn’t take a genius to see that he’s sitting in the same location in both “Israel” and “Belarus”. 

8. This guy went a little over-board on the teeth-whitening tool

Credit: u/purpleyellowpaint / Reddit

This picture is a prime example of Instagram influencers taking something that looks great in moderation and ramping up the intensity until it’s no longer attractive. Also on that list? Full lips, curvaceous bodies, and smooth skin. 

9. This cloud pattern seems to oddly follow this Influencer all over the world

Credit: u/your-missing-mom / Reddit

This picture is an example of how much Instagram has warped the minds of its users. While editing your photos used to be about removing a pimple or fixing red eye, now people feel the need to add perfect, fluffy clouds in their skies to keep up the illusion of a flawless life. 

10. This “artist” shows photos of different paintings, but the palette in her hand never changes

Credit: u/zannrael / Reddit

Where do we even start with this Instagram fails? To begin with, it seems highly unlikely that a real painter would wear such nice clothes when dealing with paints that could potentially ruin their fabric.

READ: The Instagram Trends That Drove Us Nuts In 2019