Saturday mornings in your household probably started a lot like mine. The windows were flung all the way open, letting the chilly morning air in. The cross breeze used to be enough to wake you up, but you learned to bring an extra blanket to bed with you to stay soundly asleep just a little longer. If the Mistolín didn’t get you next, it was the Clorox Bleach or ammonia vapors creeping in, making your eyes bleed with tears. And if you were truly a human monster and could sleep through aaaalll of that, the music turned up to 1000 blasting through the carefully curated sound system in your living room got you.
Boleros, salsa, merengue, bachata or OG reggaeton songs by El General were the Saturday morning alarm clock waking you up. What you didn’t realize then though is that our parents were freaks. Those “romance” songs were full of innuendo and metaphors that were downright dirty. I kind of feel like giving my mom a high five for getting down like that, but every time I think about it I almost start puking. So I’ll keep my cheers to myself as I go down memory lane, thinking of all the songs I didn’t realize I should’ve been covering my ears for.
Juan Luis Guerra – “Burbujas De Amor”
Credit: VideosMusicaVEVO/ YouTube
As a kid I had no idea what he meant with lyrics like “quisiera ser un pez/ para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera” (“I’d like to be a fish rubbing my nose in your fishbowl”). We can all understand now that he was basically saying “let me put my this in your that.” Guerra also sings “mojado en ti,” meaning “wet by you.” If you’re drenched IN someone else, you’re going to need more than a Kleenex to handle that mess.
El General – “Tu Pum Pum”
Credit: Michael Ellis/ YouTube
When you grow up with drums and rhythm in your life, hearing a reggaeton beat for the first time speaks to you. That’s what happened when I heard El General’s “Tu Pum Pum” when I was a kid. I didn’t mind scrubbing the tub if I could jam, too. Little didn’t I know “Tu Pum Pum” is a song dedicated to lady parts. If I had known the line “Tu pum pum digo se van a estirar” meant your “pum pum” is going to get stretched, I would’ve cut the cord on my mom’s stereo.
Luis Miguel – “Suave”
Credit: Warner Music/ YouTube
If you’re not paying attention, the sexuality of “Suave” will pass you by. As a kid, this Luis Miguel classic had me doing The Carlton anytime it played. When Luismi sings “nuestros cuerpos no quieren parar” (“our bodies don’t want to stop”), I though he was singing about having fun dancing. It really wasn’t until I saw the music video, which features very little dancing (a few shoulder shimmies by Luismi, at best) that I realized it was a sexy song. Also, the video has some real threesome vibes. Stranger still, the main love interests in the video have branches and twigs in their hair. Role play, much?
Julio Iglesias – “Bacalao”
Credit: JulioIglesiasVevo/ YouTube
I don’t know how this one even got past me. When this song came out I was about to hit my teens and I still couldn’t make the connection. It’s dedicated to how much he loves bacalao. You know, cod fish. You’ve never heard a man talk so sexually about this particular fish. He sings “pues como tu bacalao / yo no he probado otro igual,” meaning I haven’t tasted a fish like yours. Fam, word? You couldn’t think of a better euphemism for lady parts than fish? Who let you out of the house, grandpa?
La Sonora Dinamita – “Mi Cucu”
Credit: uhbytube/ YouTube
When you’re an innocent child, if you hear the word “cucu” you just assume people are saying “cukoo,” as in crazy. That’s funny and acceptable, especially for kids. Nothing untoward there, right? Except, wrong, the song’s about a woman’s “cucu.” Based on the song’s overall lyrics, it sounds like “cucu” might possibly, most definitely be about butts. The song goes “tan bello tu cucu, redondito y suavecito,” or “so beautiful your cucu, round and smooth.” These might’ve been the best lyrics about butts until Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” took that thrown. And there I was, just sweeping the floors, singing about “cucus” while shaking my own.
It’s probably better I didn’t know what these songs meant while cleaning. Although, it should have come as no surprise that my mom was listening to these undercover freaky jams back in the day. I mean, I’m sure that’s how I got made.
Excuse me while I go puke. 🤢