comedy

You Probably Did Saturday Morning House Cleaning To These Songs And Didn’t Realize They Were Sexual AF

Saturday mornings in your household probably started a lot like mine. The windows were flung all the way open, letting the chilly morning air in. The cross breeze used to be enough to wake you up, but you learned to bring an extra blanket to bed with you to stay soundly asleep just a little longer. If the Mistolín didn’t get you next, it was the Clorox Bleach or ammonia vapors creeping in, making your eyes bleed with tears. And if you were truly a human monster and could sleep through aaaalll of that, the music turned up to 1000 blasting through the carefully curated sound system in your living room got you.

Boleros, salsa, merengue, bachata or OG reggaeton songs by El General were the Saturday morning alarm clock waking you up. What you didn’t realize then though is that our parents were freaks. Those “romance” songs were full of innuendo and metaphors that were downright dirty. I kind of feel like giving my mom a high five for getting down like that, but every time I think about it I almost start puking. So I’ll keep my cheers to myself as I go down memory lane, thinking of all the songs I didn’t realize I should’ve been covering my ears for.

Juan Luis Guerra – “Burbujas De Amor”

Credit: VideosMusicaVEVO/ YouTube

As a kid I had no idea what he meant with lyrics like “quisiera ser un pez/ para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera” (“I’d like to be a fish rubbing my nose in your fishbowl”). We can all understand now that he was basically saying “let me put my this in your that.” Guerra also sings “mojado en ti,” meaning “wet by you.” If you’re drenched IN someone else, you’re going to need more than a Kleenex to handle that mess.

El General – “Tu Pum Pum”

Credit: Michael Ellis/ YouTube

When you grow up with drums and rhythm in your life, hearing a reggaeton beat for the first time speaks to you. That’s what happened when I heard El General’s “Tu Pum Pum” when I was a kid. I didn’t mind scrubbing the tub if I could jam, too. Little didn’t I know “Tu Pum Pum” is a song dedicated to lady parts. If I had known the line “Tu pum pum digo se van a estirar” meant your “pum pum” is going to get stretched, I would’ve cut the cord on my mom’s stereo.

Luis Miguel – “Suave”

Credit: Warner Music/ YouTube

If you’re not paying attention, the sexuality of “Suave” will pass you by. As a kid, this Luis Miguel classic had me doing The Carlton anytime it played. When Luismi sings “nuestros cuerpos no quieren parar” (“our bodies don’t want to stop”), I though he was singing about having fun dancing. It really wasn’t until I saw the music video, which features very little dancing (a few shoulder shimmies by Luismi, at best) that I realized it was a sexy song. Also, the video has some real threesome vibes. Stranger still, the main love interests in the video have branches and twigs in their hair. Role play, much?

Julio Iglesias – “Bacalao”

Credit: JulioIglesiasVevo/ YouTube

I don’t know how this one even got past me. When this song came out I was about to hit my teens and I still couldn’t make the connection. It’s dedicated to how much he loves bacalao. You know, cod fish. You’ve never heard a man talk so sexually about this particular fish. He sings “pues como tu bacalao / yo no he probado otro igual,” meaning I haven’t tasted a fish like yours. Fam, word? You couldn’t think of a better euphemism for lady parts than fish? Who let you out of the house, grandpa?

La Sonora Dinamita – “Mi Cucu”

Credit: uhbytube/ YouTube

When you’re an innocent child, if you hear the word “cucu” you just assume people are saying “cukoo,” as in crazy. That’s funny and acceptable, especially for kids. Nothing untoward there, right? Except, wrong, the song’s about a woman’s “cucu.” Based on the song’s overall lyrics, it sounds like “cucu” might possibly, most definitely be about butts. The song goes “tan bello tu cucu, redondito y suavecito,” or “so beautiful your cucu, round and smooth.” These might’ve been the best lyrics about butts until Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” took that thrown. And there I was, just sweeping the floors, singing about “cucus” while shaking my own.

It’s probably better I didn’t know what these songs meant while cleaning. Although, it should have come as no surprise that my mom was listening to these undercover freaky jams back in the day. I mean, I’m sure that’s how I got made.

Excuse me while I go puke. ?


READ: 11 Things Every Guy Dreads Every Time He’s Asked To Be A Chambelan


What songs did you sing as a kid while cleaning on Saturday mornings without knowing they were actually sexy songs? Share with your siblings with the links below!

All Latinos With Big Families Will Understand The Emotional Rollercoaster That Is Hosting Thanksgiving

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All Latinos With Big Families Will Understand The Emotional Rollercoaster That Is Hosting Thanksgiving

LeLe Pons / YouTube

We all know what is going to happen next week. Every cousin, aunt, uncle, and stranger your family has ever met will be gathering in one house for Thanksgiving. It’s cool and all to have that happen but there is always a downside to that many people being under the same roof for that long. Here is just some of the stuff that is bound to go down when your familia is hosting the big meal.

Before anyone even shows up there will be air mattresses everywhere.

CREDIT: Ada Rodriguez-Jimenez

Your mom probably went to Target and bought every last one. It’s fine except you can’t get anywhere in the house without tripping over them.

Everyone manages to arrive at the same time and you spend hours greeting everyone.

CREDIT: LeLe Pons / YouTube

You might ask yourself: “When did my family get so big?” The answer is that you family gets bigger every week and it just doesn’t make sense anymore. PS — you might also ask yourself: “Who are all these people?”

You realize that it’ll be a fight to keep your room.

CREDIT: mitú

Mainly because you know that your tíos with the new baby get dibs on all fully furnished rooms.

Let’s not even talk about the chaos that is going to the bathroom.

CREDIT: South Park / GIPHY

Everyone always has to pee at the same time and it is just one big mess. If Gloria spends another 30 minutes in there, you’re going to lose it and then you’re the one in trouble.

Inside you are feeling a little like this:

CREDIT: mitú

Nothing gets your blood boiling like when your cousin starts using your shoes without asking and for no reason.

But outwardly you know it’s in your best interest to be like this:

CREDIT: missuniverse / GIPHY

Calm. Poised. Collected. Not at all planning to sabotage the whole stay.

But, suddenly, things take a turn and you start to really enjoy everyone around you.

CREDIT: mitú

Maybe it is the holiday spirit. Maybe it is the food. All you know is that you are finally enjoying yourself and that’s great.

Seriously. The party is lit AF and you are here for it.

CREDIT: mitú

You: “No. I don’t mind listening to ‘Suavemente’ again for the fourth time!” And you actually mean that.

It isn’t long until some one busts out a guitar and then it is family karaoke time.

CREDIT: @DiegoHerrG / Twitter

You rarely know the words but you sway along anyway.

By the end of the family trip you are so in love with your family that you can’t stand to see them leave.

CREDIT: mitú

And they will be back for Christmas and this cycle will repeat itself.


READ: 11 Things Only a Person From a Big Latino Family Will Understand

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