comedy

You Probably Did Saturday Morning House Cleaning To These Songs And Didn’t Realize They Were Sexual AF

Saturday mornings in your household probably started a lot like mine. The windows were flung all the way open, letting the chilly morning air in. The cross breeze used to be enough to wake you up, but you learned to bring an extra blanket to bed with you to stay soundly asleep just a little longer. If the Mistolín didn’t get you next, it was the Clorox Bleach or ammonia vapors creeping in, making your eyes bleed with tears. And if you were truly a human monster and could sleep through aaaalll of that, the music turned up to 1000 blasting through the carefully curated sound system in your living room got you.

Boleros, salsa, merengue, bachata or OG reggaeton songs by El General were the Saturday morning alarm clock waking you up. What you didn’t realize then though is that our parents were freaks. Those “romance” songs were full of innuendo and metaphors that were downright dirty. I kind of feel like giving my mom a high five for getting down like that, but every time I think about it I almost start puking. So I’ll keep my cheers to myself as I go down memory lane, thinking of all the songs I didn’t realize I should’ve been covering my ears for.

Juan Luis Guerra – “Burbujas De Amor”

Credit: VideosMusicaVEVO/ YouTube

As a kid I had no idea what he meant with lyrics like “quisiera ser un pez/ para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera” (“I’d like to be a fish rubbing my nose in your fishbowl”). We can all understand now that he was basically saying “let me put my this in your that.” Guerra also sings “mojado en ti,” meaning “wet by you.” If you’re drenched IN someone else, you’re going to need more than a Kleenex to handle that mess.

El General – “Tu Pum Pum”

Credit: Michael Ellis/ YouTube

When you grow up with drums and rhythm in your life, hearing a reggaeton beat for the first time speaks to you. That’s what happened when I heard El General’s “Tu Pum Pum” when I was a kid. I didn’t mind scrubbing the tub if I could jam, too. Little didn’t I know “Tu Pum Pum” is a song dedicated to lady parts. If I had known the line “Tu pum pum digo se van a estirar” meant your “pum pum” is going to get stretched, I would’ve cut the cord on my mom’s stereo.

Luis Miguel – “Suave”

Credit: Warner Music/ YouTube

If you’re not paying attention, the sexuality of “Suave” will pass you by. As a kid, this Luis Miguel classic had me doing The Carlton anytime it played. When Luismi sings “nuestros cuerpos no quieren parar” (“our bodies don’t want to stop”), I though he was singing about having fun dancing. It really wasn’t until I saw the music video, which features very little dancing (a few shoulder shimmies by Luismi, at best) that I realized it was a sexy song. Also, the video has some real threesome vibes. Stranger still, the main love interests in the video have branches and twigs in their hair. Role play, much?

Julio Iglesias – “Bacalao”

Credit: JulioIglesiasVevo/ YouTube

I don’t know how this one even got past me. When this song came out I was about to hit my teens and I still couldn’t make the connection. It’s dedicated to how much he loves bacalao. You know, cod fish. You’ve never heard a man talk so sexually about this particular fish. He sings “pues como tu bacalao / yo no he probado otro igual,” meaning I haven’t tasted a fish like yours. Fam, word? You couldn’t think of a better euphemism for lady parts than fish? Who let you out of the house, grandpa?

La Sonora Dinamita – “Mi Cucu”

Credit: uhbytube/ YouTube

When you’re an innocent child, if you hear the word “cucu” you just assume people are saying “cukoo,” as in crazy. That’s funny and acceptable, especially for kids. Nothing untoward there, right? Except, wrong, the song’s about a woman’s “cucu.” Based on the song’s overall lyrics, it sounds like “cucu” might possibly, most definitely be about butts. The song goes “tan bello tu cucu, redondito y suavecito,” or “so beautiful your cucu, round and smooth.” These might’ve been the best lyrics about butts until Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” took that thrown. And there I was, just sweeping the floors, singing about “cucus” while shaking my own.

It’s probably better I didn’t know what these songs meant while cleaning. Although, it should have come as no surprise that my mom was listening to these undercover freaky jams back in the day. I mean, I’m sure that’s how I got made.

Excuse me while I go puke. ?


READ: 11 Things Every Guy Dreads Every Time He’s Asked To Be A Chambelan


What songs did you sing as a kid while cleaning on Saturday mornings without knowing they were actually sexy songs? Share with your siblings with the links below!

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Kali Uchis’ “Telepatía” is Becoming a Global Hit Thanks to TikTok

Latidomusic

Kali Uchis’ “Telepatía” is Becoming a Global Hit Thanks to TikTok

Through the power of TikTok, telepatia kali uchis is going to the top. The Colombian-American singer is sitting comfortably in the top 10 of Spotify’s Top 200 chart in the U.S. thanks to a TikTok trend.

This isn’t the first time that TikTok brought new fame to songs.

TikTok has proven to be quite the catalyst for today’s top hits. The app assisted in getting Olivia Rodrigo’s “drivers license” to the top of Billboard Hot 100 chart, where it remains. TikTok also reinvigorated interest in Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” last year thanks to Doggface’s viral video. Now Uchis is getting her long overdue shine with “Telepatía.”

“Telepatía” is becoming a global hit thanks to the same phenomenon.

At No. 7 on the Spotify U.S. chart, “Telepatía” is the highest-charting Latin song in the country. Bad Bunny’s “Dákiti” with Jhay Cortez is the next closest Latin song at No. 14. “Telepatía” is also making waves across the globe where the song is charting on Spotify’s Viral Charts in 66 countries and in the Top Songs Charts of 32 countries.

There’s also plenty of “Telepatía” memes.

Uchis is turning the viral song’s success into strong sales and streaming. On this week’s Billboard Hot Latin Songs chart, “Telepatía” debuts at No. 10, marking her first top 10 hit on the chart. There are also memes circulating on other social media apps that are contributing to the song’s virality.

“Telepatía” is one of the key cuts on Uchis’ debut Latin album, Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otros Demonios). It’s the best example of her translating that alternative soul music that she’s known for into Spanish. The song is notably in Spanglish as Uchis sings about keeping a love connection alive from a distance. It’s timely considering this era of social distancing that we’re in during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Uchis is currently nominated for a Grammy Award. She’s up for Best Dance Recording for her feature on Kaytranada’s “10%” song.

Read: You Have To Hear Kali Uchis Slay This Classic Latino Song

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Kehlani Dresses as Both Prom King and Queen on Cover of ‘Playboy’, Talks Feeling Comfortable in Both Gender Roles

Entertainment

Kehlani Dresses as Both Prom King and Queen on Cover of ‘Playboy’, Talks Feeling Comfortable in Both Gender Roles

Photo via kehlani/Instagram

Kehlani has long been open about the fluid nature of her gender expression. That’s why it’s exciting that the R&B star is experimenting with different facets of her personality on the most recent cover of Playboy.

In a bold move, Kehlani appears on Playboy‘s latest cover dressed in both (traditionally) women and (traditionally) men’s clothing.

And as if one Kehlani isn’t exciting enough, the magazine cover treats us to two versions of this Oakland native. On the left side of the magazine, Kehlani is dressed up as a Prom Queen, complete with a resplendent gown and a tiara. On the cover’s right side, Kehlani is dressed in Prom King drag: her tie undone, her collar open, her crown askew.

She shared the picture to her personal Instagram page with the cheeky caption: “I always wanted to date me.”

In the accompanying interview, Kehlani talks about gender identity and expression, motherhood, and owning her sexuality.

When Kehlani was asked how she defines masculinity and femininity, Kehlani got refreshingly candid. “I’ve discovered that I’ve run from a lot of femininity,” she admitted. “I was way more comfortable in a more masculine space. I feel more masculine when I am in my stillness and I’m grounded in a quiet, contemplative mode.”

She then explained that she feels “most feminine” when she’s “being the mother of my house.” (Kehlani had a baby girl named Adeya Nomi in 2019). She also explained that she “feels her femininity” when she ‘s indulging in self-care, like soaking in a flower-filled bath, or doing a hair mask.

“My femininity makes me feel soft and gentle and tender and careful in a different way than my masculinity makes me feel,” she said. “I’m trying not to let it fall into the gender norms of feminine and masculine, but for me it does a tiny bit. But I also am very fluid in both of those settings.”

Kehlani has always been open about her fluid sexuality and gender identity.

In 2018, she tweeted: “Not bi, not straight. I’m attracted to women, men, REALLY attracted to queer men, non-binary people, intersex people, trans people”.

But of course, haters on the internet accused her of “queer-baiting”–that is, pretending she’s queer to get more LGBT fans and attract attention. In an interview with The Guardian last year, she revealed why the accusation frustrates her.

“I’ve had girlfriends in front of people’s faces, right under their noses, and they weren’t famous and so nobody cared to make it public,” she said. “So they automatically assume that I must like men more than women.”

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