Comedian Julio Torres has skills for picking out Christmas presents and coming up with the best Halloween costumes. So it should come at no surprise that Julio has also mastered the art of Valentine’s Day. The “Saturday Night Live” writer appeared on “The Tonight Show” to inform Jimmy Fallon, and all of us, how to pick out the perfect perfume for that special someone on the most important and stress-inducing day of the year: Valentine’s Day.
Instead of giving chocolates or flowers on Valentine’s Day, Julio says perfumes are the best way to go. Here are some of the perfumes Torres recommends for that special somebody on the special day.
“The Silent Scream”
For a lover that loves to sigh and never tells you what’s wrong no matter how many times you ask. All you can do is wait for the outburst.
“Should I … Okay”
This perfume is only intended for people who want to help but don’t. You know, like when you see someone drop something and act like you are going to do something but stay where you are.
The busted GatorAde bottle is a nice touch that really let’s you know who this is intended for.
“But Who Is SHE”
“It’s inspired by your uncle’s new wife.” Nuff said.
This perfume is made for moms on Facebook and we love them so much for their enthusiasm. Might as well get them something to thank them on Valentine’s Day.
It’s kind of like Gretchen Wieners’ hair but it is only full of Melania Trump’s secrets. Things like, her longing to be rescued and that kind of stuff.
Julio Torres may have just achieved next level respect and stardom because all he had to do to get thee Lin-Manuel Miranda to play the voice of a tiny cactus in his upcoming HBO special was DM him. During an interview on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show, Torres hinted at the presence of some big-name cameos in his HBO comedy special, My Favorite Shapes.
The most obvious cameo that Torres could think of would be the infamous Pulitzer Prize-winning screenwriter, composer and actor Lin-Manuel Miranda playing a “self-conscious cactus.” Of course. Torres has had a successful career behind the screen thus far. Born in El Salvador, Torres began writing for Saturday Night Live, where he initially met Lin-Manuel Miranda. His most recent claim to fame was his starring role alongside Fred Armisen in the HBO series Los Espookys.
“We were lucky that some really great actors are voicing the inner spirits of some of those objects because we just needed that,” he told Fallon.
“The role of the cactus went to Lin-Manuel Miranda. I DM’ed him, being like, ‘Can you just be this cactus? This feels like it should be you.’” Wow. That’s all it takes, huh? We love Miranda for just saying ‘yes.’
“’Cause it’s like, can you think of anyone else who would play a little cactus trapped in a little glass container?” Pues, can you?
In the teaser trailer for the comedy special, we get a glimpse of the very cactus that Miranda is set to play. “This next shape that I need to show you,” Torres tells the audience through a microphone at his seat, “This is me coming in late for a meeting and immediately chiming in.”
We can’t wait to hear what the cactus iteration of Lin-Manuel Miranda is going to say.
The Puerto Rican Hamilton creator and star is on vacation in Europe right now, so we haven’t heard his comment on the new break of his latest role. Miranda and Torres have worked together in the past. Torres’ rise to fame began as a writer for Saturday Night Live. Torres wrote the sketch “Diego Calls His Mom” for Miranda’s episode as a host.
“Lin-Manuel is the lil cactus…. awwww,” tweets one fan. Why is the prickliest side of Lin-Manuel Miranda the cutest side we might ever see? Call it an obsession with succulents or just an obsession with literally anything Miranda chooses to do. Take your pick, no me importa.
Right now, fans are just tickled that Lin-Manuel Miranda appears to have no ego whatsoever.
Miranda has won a Pulitzer Prize, three Tony Awards, three Grammys, an Emmy, and two Olivier Awards. He’s also been been nominated for an Academy Award. He’s a GOAT, and yet, he’s also down to be the tiniest of cacti “trapped in a little glass container.”
“He solved the problem,” Torres said of Miranda’s willingness to play the tiny cactus.
Torres asked Fallon if he could really think of anyone else that could play the role of the cactus, to which Fallon replied, “I mean, don’t even make me thing of that. Of course not, no. Lin-Manuel Miranda!” Torres agreed–“He solved the problem.
Torres is the Salvadoran precioso you *would* want to spend time with meeting all his favorite shapes.
HBO describes the Los Espookys comedian’s new special as a worthwhile peek into his “fantastical stories and humorous anecdotes.” We can expect to meet “a plexiglass square, an oval that wishes he were a circle, a self-conscious cactus, and a Ferrero Rocher chocolate.”
We’re curious to see how Lin-Manuel Miranda could ever lead us to believe he could be “self-conscious.” This will be the truest test of his acting abilities. Just kidding, just kidding.
Tune into HBO August 10 at 10:30 p.m. for what’s looking to be an interesting night with Julio Torres.
Expect Julio Torres to be dressed in a glitter suit on stage with a glass conveyer belt shepherding strange objects his way. The teaser trailer gave us a taste of what we were expecting to be Torres dryly musing on his “favorite shapes.” Now, we know that there’s going to be some serious stardom in the shape of a cactus, and many more cameos to look forward to.
When it comes to wedding taboos, actual ceremonies can be a minefield for disaster. From appropriate colors to wear, types of headgear (never wear a tiara if it’s not your day!), and dance floor gags and wedding toasts, it seems that when it comes to W-day anything can go wrong.
Especially when guests with free-minds are attending.
Likely no one has a keener understanding of wedding day madness than Twitter user Amy Pennza who recently shared a post to Twitter of possibly the worst wedding faux pas occurrence ever. Turns out it also happened at her very own wedding in 2004.
Pennza’s own mother-in-law showed up to her ceremony wearing a long, white gown ― AKA, a wedding dress.
Fortunately, Pennza explained the incident in a thread to her account and as it turns out the nightmarish moment and the MIL are much more redeemable than we’d ever thought. According to Pennza, the MIL, who continues to struggle with letting go of her early years as a child in poverty, could not pass up on a sale at Dillard’s.
Fortunately, Pennza’s post unleashed a series of more tweets about similarly nightmarish stories.
Such as this bride’s madre y suegra match.
Can anyone say “twinning”?
And this novia’s big flop moment in front of a camera.
This bride says that in an innocent attempt to reinvent the Pinterest classic, she ended up eating it.
This officiant’s super odd replacement for communion.
BUT tbh this Boricua’s officiant gets it ride. Dunkin’ truly is the bread of life.
This Latina who got tricked and broke off the engagement.
Oof. Actually this horrific story sounds like a nightmare. Here’s hoping the groom grew up right quick after this.
This mujer whose mother literally LOST her wedding dress.
My girl. How does a wedding dress fly off of an actual car?? Can’t imagine how this poor girl’s mother felt after this happened. Fortunately, the thrift bride was able to find a replacement dress on time!
A destination wedding that has already been abandoned before it took off.
Okay but for real… doesn’t everyone low-key assume that a destination wedding is supposed to exclude?
This story of abuela serving the ultimate mal de ojo.
Ay yay yay. This story of a Latina who had previously been married being shamed just before she walked down the aisle could have been the worst, fortunately she served her own snap back.
This poor bride who was called a racial slur.
Unfortunately, stupid is as stupid does and stupid does exist in the world. Even at weddings. Fortunately this bride who was called a “dirty Mexican” during a drunken toast took things in stride.
And finally a sweet story to beat them all.
This one might definitely make you rethink how you pick out your groom’s men and flower girls but it’s still pretty cute.
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