comedy

17 Things That Would Happen If President Trump Has His Way And The Wall Was Built

The Trump presidency has brought dark times for Latinos in the U.S. and for Latin American countries in general. Mexico, in particular, has been the target of vitriolic attacks by the president, and foreign policy issues have marred the relationship between the two countries.

However, since we are Latinos, we always find humor in almost everything. Let’s add a pinch of irony to this situation and imagine what the U.S. and Mexico would go through if the border wall was built.

1. There would be awesome street art on the Mexican side

Credit: @streetart_mexico / Instagram

Mexico is home to some of the best street art in the world, and artists from border town like Tijuana are particularly amazing. If the wall was built they would have a huge canvas to take out their rage in a colorful bien chingona way.

2. And probably ugly billboards for the Americans

Credit: @teslatari / Twitter

Let’s be honest: U.S. companies would LOVE to have a billboard longer and “more massive” than any billboard before in the history of the world, the “bestest” billboard ever, let me tell ya.

3. Americans would find out how annoying San Diego spring breakers are.

Credit: 480342047-56a90ebd5f9b58b7d0f7b923. Digital image. TripSavvy.

No more crazy binge drinking South of the Border. Spring breakers from sunny California would find it oh so difficult to cross the border now and trash Tijuana, so they would just demolish every single bar they could find in San Diego. Mexicans would be happy to know that America isn’t sending “their best” anymore.

4. Rich white men would reconnect with nature… for five minutes!

Credit: 895789287-backyard-planting-white-haired-gardening. Digital image. Framepool.

There would be a shortage of amazing paisano gardeners, so rich, privileged, entitled white dudes would find it fun to get their hands and boss shirts dirty to garden…for five minutes. Later they would scream at the sight of sweat and call out for “Juaaaaaan”, only to find out that “Juan” was actually called Ramiro and he is no longer there to service him.

5. The US entertainment industry would be white town again…

Credit: Beverly Hills 90210. Spelling Entertainment.

Remember those 1990s shows in which diversity was nonexistent? Well, the border wall would create a tense environment for any non-white actor and U.S. audiences would have to deal with casts as non-representative as this.

6. Actually, Latino talent in Hollywood would protest en masse… no more Salmita, Diego or Gael

Credit: @salmahayek / Instagram

There is no denying that contemporary Hollywood is less boring thanks to kickass Latino talent like Salma Hayek and Diego Luna. Well, if the wall was built they would give the industry the middle finger in protest and trigger huge losses…. and know what? Most people would support them.

7. Many Americans would finally find out where Mexico is located

Credit: _93895486_us_mexico_border_wall. Digital image. BBC.

It is no secret that geography is not one of the strengths of the US education system. Most non-ethnic Americans are brought up with a sense of superiority they just don’t think it is that important to know where other countries in the world are located. The endless news reports about the wall would educate people into not believing that Mexico borders with Brazil.

8. Target and Wal-Mart would cry foul as “ya no hay Mexicanos de shopping”

Credit: 920×920. Digital image. San Antonio Express News.

Mexicans love to shop in Los Estates, and around Christmas time many cross the border to do their compras in border cities like McAllen, Texas. Well, sorpresa, take that, Target!

9. Rich white parents would touch their babies’ poo for the first time

Credit: poopmean-a0741d2a-16fc-4286-b1c2-c26bab06ebcb. Digital image. Mom365

Yes, many Anglo parents outsource the most grueling tasks and even their children’s upbringing to the thousands of Latino nannies that are a true cornerstone of American society. Many lazy parents would change diapers for the first time and curse the damn wall as a spot of caca falls on their designer clothes.

10. Taco Bell would be the closest you could get to real Mexican cuisine

Credit: Facebook-3cf17d. Digital image. Funny.

No more real carnitas, sopes or tlayudas. No more fondas or cantinas. Straight up processed cheese and hard shell tacos smothered with cumin, plastic chili and what passes as meat. Gracias por nada, Donaldo!

11. Mexican entrepreneurs would open dozens of climbing walls

Credit: Climbing-Wall-Maggie_Daley. Digital image. Chicago Park District.

Mexicans are creative as hell, and wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to establish dozens of climbing clubs along the border. The country would become a world leader in this nascent sport.

12. Developers would sell costly apartments with “A view of the wall” on the U.S. side.

Credit: maxresdefault. Digital image. YouTube.

Make no mistake. The border wall would be a beautiful sight for many. Real estate developers would see money in this opportunity and invest in lavish apartment buildings for the racist and misfits of the country. They would make quite a buck.

13. Move over Chupacabras, there is a new monster in town

Credit: 11424690_10100260190014607_975544564_n. Digital image. Enclave Publishing.

For generations to come mothers on both sides of the border wall would tell their children the story of a scary, beer-bellied orange monster who can take children away while laughing, and who SPOKE IN CAPS! All children would behave so the orange monster doesn’t take them (remember he has a certain fondness of taking one-year-olds from their families).

14. There would be a Mexican-American remake of Game of Thrones

Credit: Game of Thrones. HBO.

The border wall would acquire mythical proportions and be spoken about for years to come. HBO would decide to make a remake of his successful Game of Thrones franchise and set in in contemporary times. It would be shot in Mexico, of course.  One does not simply build walls.

15. After his presidency, Trump would build casinos alongside his wall

Credit: _90668276_gettyimages-74342979. Digital image. BBC Mundo.

Las Vegas was built in a desert, right? So what about making the whole border a gambling Mecca! President Trump would open his Wall Mahal and others would follow.

16. All the dogs treated by Cesar Millan would flee to Mexico, causing mass panic

Credit: Cesar-Shares-His-Greatest-Moments_0. Digital image. Cesar’s Way

Dogs treated by the famous whisperer would have established a deeper connection to him that to their owners. Seeing Milan’s anger, they would decide that they are too noble to stay in the U.S. and would flee to Mexico, where they would be received with open arms. Thousands of Beverly Hills housewives would despair! Ay, no, pobrecitas!

17. Spanish would overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the U.S.

Credit: home-depot. Digital image. New York Post

Projections mark how Spanish could very well overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the country. Latinos who live in the United States would see the border wall as an affront and speak Spanish as an act of resistance. There would be no turning back!

A PhD Student Made History By Writing Her Entire Thesis In An Indigenous Peruvian Language

Culture

A PhD Student Made History By Writing Her Entire Thesis In An Indigenous Peruvian Language

Lino Obarallumbo / DailySol

Scholars at Lima’s San Marcos university say it’s the first time a student has written and defended a thesis entirely in a native language. Roxana Quispe Collantes made history when she verbally defended and wrote her thesis in Quechua, a language of the Incas. While Quechua is spoken by 8 million people in the Andes with half of them in Peru, it speaks volumes that this hasn’t happened before at the 468-year-old university, the oldest in the Americas. 

Quispe Collantes studied Peruvian and Latin American literature with a focus on poetry written in Quechua. The United Nations International Year of Indigenous Languages program has Peru a part of a global campaign to revive 2,680 indigenous languages at risk of going extinct. Peru is home to 21 of those languages. 

Roxana Quispe Collantes brings Inca culture to her doctoral candidacy.

Quispe Collantes began her presentation with a traditional Inca thanksgiving ceremony. She presented her thesis “Yawar Para” (or blood rain) by using coca leaves and chicha, a corn-based alcoholic beverage in the ritual.

For seven years, the student studied Andrés Alencastre Gutiérrez, a poet who wrote in Quechua, and used the pen name Kilku Warak’aq. For her thesis, she analyzed his mixture of Andrean traditions and Catholicism. 

“I’ve always wanted to study in Quechua, in my original language,” she told the Observer

Quispe Collantes traveled to highland communities in the Canas to confirm the definitions of words in the Collao dialect of Quechua used in the Cusco region. 

“I needed to travel to the high provinces of Canas to achieve this translation and the meaning of toponyms that I couldn’t find anywhere,” she said. “I asked my parents, my grandparents and teachers, and [it didn’t prove fruitful].”

Quechua entering the academic discourse can help preserve it. 

“Quechua doesn’t lack the vocabulary for an academic language. Today many people mix the language with Spanish,” she said. “I hope my example will help to revalue the language again and encourage young people, especially women, to follow my path. It’s very important that we keep on rescuing our original language.”

Her doctoral adviser Gonzo Espino told The Guardian he believes Quispe Collantes’ thesis was a symbolic gesture. 

“[The language] represented the most humble people in this part of the world: the Andeans, who were once called ‘Indians’. Their language and culture has been vindicated,” he said. 

It should go without saying but the doctoral candidate received top marks on her project.

Quechua is the most widely spoken indigenous language in South America. 

The oldest written records of Quechua were in 1560 in Grammatica o arte de la lengua general de los indios de los reynos del Perú by Domingo de Santo, a missionary who learned and wrote the language. Before the expansion of the Inca Empire, Quechua spread across the central Andes. The language took a different shape in the Cusco region where it was influenced by neighboring languages like Aymara. Thus, today there is a wide range of dialects of Quechua as it evolved in different areas. 

In the 16th century, the Inca Empire designated Quechua as their official language following the Spanish conquest of Peru. Many missionaries and members of the Catholic Church learned Quechua so that they could evangelize Indigenous folks. 

Quispe Collantes grew up speaking the language with her parents and grandparents in the Acomayo district of Cusco. Quechua today is often mixed with Spanish and she hopes that “Yawar Para” will inspire others to revisit the original form. 

Peru takes Quechua to the mainstream. 

Under the United Nations International Year of Indigenous Languages campaign, this year, Peru began the official registration of names in its 48 indigenous languages.

The U.N. launched its initiative to preserve indigenous languages in 2019 after the Permanent Forum on Indigenous Issues determined that, “40 percent of the estimated 6,700 languages spoken around the world were in danger of disappearing. The fact that most of these are indigenous languages puts the cultures and knowledge systems to which they belong at risk.”

According to the Guardian, for years, Peruvian registrars refused to recognize indigenous names on public records. They would then force indigenous people to register Hispanic or English-sounding names on government forms while keeping their real names at home. 

“Many registrars tended not to register indigenous names, so parents felt the name they had chosen wasn’t valued,” said Danny Santa María, assistant manager of academic research at Reniec. “We want to promote the use of indigenous names and recognize the proper way to write them on birth certificates and ID documents.”

In 2016, Peru began airings its first news broadcast in Quechua and other native languages, ushering into the mainstream. 

“My greatest wish is for Quechua to become a necessity once again. Only by speaking it can we revive it,” Quispe Collantes said.

A Christmas Theme Park Is Coming To Guadalajara — Complete With ‘Posadas’, ‘Reyes Magos’ And ‘Santa Claus’

Things That Matter

A Christmas Theme Park Is Coming To Guadalajara — Complete With ‘Posadas’, ‘Reyes Magos’ And ‘Santa Claus’

Navidalia

It looks like the people of Guadalajara love a theme-park. Earlier this month the capital city of Jalisco, hosted the ‘Dia de Muertos’ themed amusement park; ‘Calaverandia’. And now, from the same creators, we‘re getting  ‘Navidalia’ a Christmas-themed amusement park full of lights, fake snow and vibrant shows.

The park will be divided into four Yuletide-inspired worlds, the flagship of which will be that of Mexican Christmas traditions.

Much like Disneyland, which is divided into kingdoms, the Mexican Christmas-themed park will be divided into four Yuletide-inspired worlds, the flagship of which will be that of Mexican Christmas traditions, called “Posada Navideña”. Another world will be dedicated to the holiday’s Nordic origins.

Attendees will be able to see a recreation of baby Jesus’s birthplace in Bethlehem.

Naturally, for a predominantly Catholic country, one of the worlds will recreate the Middle Eastern atmosphere of Jesus’s birth in Bethlehem, this section of the park will also include a show featuring the three wise men, known in Mexico as “Los Reyes Magos.” The fourth world will celebrate European Christmas traditions.

It wouldn’t be a Mexican Christmas without a ‘Nacimiento’.

A standout display will be a giant nativity scene, in which the spectators will also be part of the decorations. There will also be a giant Christmas tree, an ice road (not rink) for ice skating around the park, a large lake in the park will be used for boat rides and dance presentations. The organizers spared no efforts to get the best artificial snow. They said in an interview with a Mexican newspaper that they hope that the artificial snow will help kindle the Christmas spirit in the hearts of visitors.

‘Navidalia’s parent company has also produced other theme parks and events like ‘Calaverandia’.

In addition to Calaverandia, the Day of The Dead theme park, Alteacorp —the parks’ parent company— has also organized Festival GDLuz, which lights up Guadalajara in an array of bright colors in February. The company hopes to repeat the success of those festivals with Navidalia in December.

Alteacorp CEO Marcos Jiménez said that the group wanted to offer something different from stereotypical U.S. Christmas celebrations. Instead, they chose to focus on creating multisensorial journeys dominated by images of a very Mexican-infused Christmas.

Such imagery and customs will include traditional lanterns, piñatas, warm fruit ponche, the sweet fried snacks called buñuelos and the Latin American Christmas observance of Las Posadas. Other attractions will include an 18m tall Piñata which will offer a light show, 8 meter tall ‘Reyes Magos’, a medieval Santa Clause and 30 other attractions spread across the 4.5 acres that make the theme park grounds.

Visitors must buy a ticket to take part in the park’s attractions at night, but the grounds will be open to the public free of charge during the day. Tickets cost 255 pesos (US $13) for children and 495 pesos (US $26) for adults. VIP tickets cost 685 and 1,999 pesos respectively. Discounted presale tickets will be on sale until November 18. Navidalia runs from December 13-25 at Parque Ávila Camacho in Zapopan.