comedy

17 Things That Would Happen If President Trump Has His Way And The Wall Was Built

Openstreetmap / BBC

The Trump presidency has brought dark times for Latinos in the U.S. and for Latin American countries in general. Mexico, in particular, has been the target of vitriolic attacks by the president, and foreign policy issues have marred the relationship between the two countries.

However, since we are Latinos, we always find humor in almost everything. Let’s add a pinch of irony to this situation and imagine what the U.S. and Mexico would go through if the border wall was built.

1. There would be awesome street art on the Mexican side

Credit: @streetart_mexico / Instagram

Mexico is home to some of the best street art in the world, and artists from border town like Tijuana are particularly amazing. If the wall was built they would have a huge canvas to take out their rage in a colorful bien chingona way.

2. And probably ugly billboards for the Americans

Credit: @teslatari / Twitter

Let’s be honest: U.S. companies would LOVE to have a billboard longer and “more massive” than any billboard before in the history of the world, the “bestest” billboard ever, let me tell ya.

3. Americans would find out how annoying San Diego spring breakers are.

Credit: 480342047-56a90ebd5f9b58b7d0f7b923. Digital image. TripSavvy.

No more crazy binge drinking South of the Border. Spring breakers from sunny California would find it oh so difficult to cross the border now and trash Tijuana, so they would just demolish every single bar they could find in San Diego. Mexicans would be happy to know that America isn’t sending “their best” anymore.

4. Rich white men would reconnect with nature… for five minutes!

Credit: 895789287-backyard-planting-white-haired-gardening. Digital image. Framepool.

There would be a shortage of amazing paisano gardeners, so rich, privileged, entitled white dudes would find it fun to get their hands and boss shirts dirty to garden…for five minutes. Later they would scream at the sight of sweat and call out for “Juaaaaaan”, only to find out that “Juan” was actually called Ramiro and he is no longer there to service him.

5. The US entertainment industry would be white town again…

Credit: Beverly Hills 90210. Spelling Entertainment.

Remember those 1990s shows in which diversity was nonexistent? Well, the border wall would create a tense environment for any non-white actor and U.S. audiences would have to deal with casts as non-representative as this.

6. Actually, Latino talent in Hollywood would protest en masse… no more Salmita, Diego or Gael

Credit: @salmahayek / Instagram

There is no denying that contemporary Hollywood is less boring thanks to kickass Latino talent like Salma Hayek and Diego Luna. Well, if the wall was built they would give the industry the middle finger in protest and trigger huge losses…. and know what? Most people would support them.

7. Many Americans would finally find out where Mexico is located

Credit: _93895486_us_mexico_border_wall. Digital image. BBC.

It is no secret that geography is not one of the strengths of the US education system. Most non-ethnic Americans are brought up with a sense of superiority they just don’t think it is that important to know where other countries in the world are located. The endless news reports about the wall would educate people into not believing that Mexico borders with Brazil.

8. Target and Wal-Mart would cry foul as “ya no hay Mexicanos de shopping”

Credit: 920×920. Digital image. San Antonio Express News.

Mexicans love to shop in Los Estates, and around Christmas time many cross the border to do their compras in border cities like McAllen, Texas. Well, sorpresa, take that, Target!

9. Rich white parents would touch their babies’ poo for the first time

Credit: poopmean-a0741d2a-16fc-4286-b1c2-c26bab06ebcb. Digital image. Mom365

Yes, many Anglo parents outsource the most grueling tasks and even their children’s upbringing to the thousands of Latino nannies that are a true cornerstone of American society. Many lazy parents would change diapers for the first time and curse the damn wall as a spot of caca falls on their designer clothes.

10. Taco Bell would be the closest you could get to real Mexican cuisine

Credit: Facebook-3cf17d. Digital image. Funny.

No more real carnitas, sopes or tlayudas. No more fondas or cantinas. Straight up processed cheese and hard shell tacos smothered with cumin, plastic chili and what passes as meat. Gracias por nada, Donaldo!

11. Mexican entrepreneurs would open dozens of climbing walls

Credit: Climbing-Wall-Maggie_Daley. Digital image. Chicago Park District.

Mexicans are creative as hell, and wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to establish dozens of climbing clubs along the border. The country would become a world leader in this nascent sport.

12. Developers would sell costly apartments with “A view of the wall” on the U.S. side.

Credit: maxresdefault. Digital image. YouTube.

Make no mistake. The border wall would be a beautiful sight for many. Real estate developers would see money in this opportunity and invest in lavish apartment buildings for the racist and misfits of the country. They would make quite a buck.

13. Move over Chupacabras, there is a new monster in town

Credit: 11424690_10100260190014607_975544564_n. Digital image. Enclave Publishing.

For generations to come mothers on both sides of the border wall would tell their children the story of a scary, beer-bellied orange monster who can take children away while laughing, and who SPOKE IN CAPS! All children would behave so the orange monster doesn’t take them (remember he has a certain fondness of taking one-year-olds from their families).

14. There would be a Mexican-American remake of Game of Thrones

Credit: Game of Thrones. HBO.

The border wall would acquire mythical proportions and be spoken about for years to come. HBO would decide to make a remake of his successful Game of Thrones franchise and set in in contemporary times. It would be shot in Mexico, of course.  One does not simply build walls.

15. After his presidency, Trump would build casinos alongside his wall

Credit: _90668276_gettyimages-74342979. Digital image. BBC Mundo.

Las Vegas was built in a desert, right? So what about making the whole border a gambling Mecca! President Trump would open his Wall Mahal and others would follow.

16. All the dogs treated by Cesar Millan would flee to Mexico, causing mass panic

Credit: Cesar-Shares-His-Greatest-Moments_0. Digital image. Cesar’s Way

Dogs treated by the famous whisperer would have established a deeper connection to him that to their owners. Seeing Milan’s anger, they would decide that they are too noble to stay in the U.S. and would flee to Mexico, where they would be received with open arms. Thousands of Beverly Hills housewives would despair! Ay, no, pobrecitas!

17. Spanish would overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the U.S.

Credit: home-depot. Digital image. New York Post

Projections mark how Spanish could very well overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the country. Latinos who live in the United States would see the border wall as an affront and speak Spanish as an act of resistance. There would be no turning back!

The Bernie Campaign Teamed Up With Cardi B To Talk About Police Brutality, DREAMers And Raising Wages

Entertainment

The Bernie Campaign Teamed Up With Cardi B To Talk About Police Brutality, DREAMers And Raising Wages

@BernieSanders / Twitter

Vermont Senator and Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and rapper Cardi B have been teasing their on-screen discussion on issues ranging from police brutality to canceling student debt for a few weeks now. Finally, the Sanders campaign published the video in all its nearly ten minutes of glory.

The two met at Detroit’s TEN nail bar, a deluxe nail salon founded and operated by two women of color. Cardi B came prepared with a list of questions that her own followers have brought up with her. In essence, Cardi B served as a representative of her fans’ political interests and brought them to a Presidential candidate to see if he would be the guy to officially represent their needs in the nation’s most meaningful capacity–as POTUS 2020.

Six weeks ago, Cardi asked her fans what they would want to hear Bernie Sanders discuss.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

On July 2, the rapper shared a video to Instagram telling her followers that her number one question to Bernie Sanders is about how to end police brutality in this country. “What would you like to ask? what change would you like to see in your community and in the USA 🇺🇸?” she posted. “2020 is getting very close let’s get familiar with who is running and how they can change the country! Put your questions down below and your questions may be answered very soon.”

Nobody expected she was actually going to sit down with Bernie Sanders and represent the Bardi Gang’s political issues.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

Hilariously, Sanders wiggled his fingers alongside Cardi B’s as he told us that, “Cardi B’s nails are juuuust a little different than mine. Our views on the issues are pretty similar.” 

Cardi B absolutely nailed it as an interviewer. She steered the conversation and truly represented her followers’ interests. She opened the video to remind everyone that, “A couple of weeks ago, I asked my followers what types of questions would you want to ask a Democratic candidate. Let’s go baby.” Here are the takeaways.

Number one: Cardi and Bernie’s shared goal is getting Trump out of office.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

“You know what I’m trying to do is I’m trying to advocate the youth in my community because I feel like there’s a serious problem right now in America,” Cardi opens. “We have this bully as a President and the only way to take him out is somebody winning.”

“We’ve got to get rid of Donald Trump, obviously. Because Donald Trump is an overt racist. He’s just way out there.”

The first question on Cardi’s mind is putting an end to police brutality in America. Bernie has a three-pronged plan.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

Cardi B got vulnerable and talked about the mental effects of what it’s like to “constantly see on social media police brutality against black men and against minorities. What are we going to do to change that, because that is discouraging our people? We constantly see our men getting killed every day, and it seems like nobody cares.”

Sanders wants to end the militarization of police departments, which he sees as a form of intimidation.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

To address police brutality, he wants the Department of Justice to investigate every police killing to ensure accountability and prevent local police departments from covering up crimes. He also wants to federally obligate police departments to “look like the community they serve” and “not like an oppressive army.” Sanders related to the “disgust” of seeing 1 in 4 young black men in the criminal justice system. His solution to that specific issue is to invest in free education instead of investing in prisons and incarceration. 

During his first week as President, Sanders will reinstate the executive order that gave protections to DREAMers, and he wants to extend those protections to their parents.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

Cardi had recalled meeting a fan who enrolled for protections under DACA and is now facing deportation back to Mexico–a place that he has no living memory of ever knowing. Bernie wants the 1.8 million young people who qualify for DACA to experience the freedoms of this country. When he said he wants to expand that program to their parents, Cardi did a little jiggle and let out a “Yeahhh!”

Bernie is going to raise taxes to allow free healthcare and education, but it will be cheaper on a day to day for Americans.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

“People are afraid to pay more taxes than they’re already paying,” Cardi rightly stated. Bernie’s plan to offer free health care for all will ultimately be cheaper for the overwhelming majority of people than paying for premiums, deductibles, and copayments.

Cardi B will never forget how hard it was to make a living wage before she found fame.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

Cardi B brought up how “certain people like to brag” about how there are more jobs in America, but she’s questioning the quality of these jobs. Why are her followers having to work two or three jobs to survive? Bernie wants to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. 

By placing a modest tax on Wall Street, Sanders plans to cancel student debt.

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

Forty-five million Americans are living with student debt. Sanders knows that those of us in our 20s and 30s were told that we had to go to college to get a good job. Where the good jobs at? Our generation is far less likely to own homes and make financial progress in our lives. For the first time, our generation is worse off than the generation before it. 

Sanders has a message to Cardi B’s followers: “Trump doesn’t want people of color to be participating in the political process.”

Credit: @BernieSanders / Twitter

“Participate in the political process,” he tells POC. You can spend five minutes to register to vote here.

Watch the full interview below!

What do you think about Cardi B’s interview?

READ: Cardi B Claps Back At “Republicans And Conservatives” Who Want Her To Shut Up When It Comes To Politics

Little Boy On His Way to Kindergarten Tells His Mom ‘Don’t Be Scared’ And All Of Twitter Is Sobbing

Culture

Little Boy On His Way to Kindergarten Tells His Mom ‘Don’t Be Scared’ And All Of Twitter Is Sobbing

Prepare yourself to desperately want kids if you don’t already. Possibly the cutest kid alive went to Kindergarten for the first time on Monday, and was feeling very ready. That said, his mom was far less ready to see her baby boy go off to school for the first time. So she did what any other mom would do–she asked him to “tell [her] something to help [her] feel better.” Oh, and she recorded everything and his response went viral on Twitter because it’s 2019.

Now, Twitter is begging the Universe to impregnate them so they can have a perfect muñeco lindo like this one.

“You’re going to your first day of Kindergarten.” his mom says. “How do you feel?”

Credit: @headdphanieeeee / Twitter

“Good,” he says matter of factly. “Good? You feel good?” she asks. “No,” he says. Incredulous, she double checks with her son and he answers her again, “No!” He’s not nervous, auntie.

“You’re not nervous? I’m nervous. Can you tell me something to make me feel better?”

Credit: @headdphanieeeee / Twitter

Just two weeks prior, a white supremacist drove 10 hours to El Paso, Texas to specifically target Latinos. He killed 22 people with an assault-type rifle. Everyone is scared. Except for this pequeño.

“Umm… Just please don’t be scared ’cause there’s nothing to be afraid of,” he comforts his mom. At this point, all the comments look like this: “THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’VE SEEN.”

What the hell how is this kid 40 already?” asks one fan.

Credit: @headdphanieeeee / Twitter

Another commented, “I feel like 1 conversation with him, he can help me file my taxes, figure out why I’m depressed, tell me what foods to eat that can burn fat while I sleep and tell me the meaning of life. He GENIUS smart, I can tell. Lol”

Other parents could relate to Liz’s fears and are hoping their kid feels as confident as this little one.

Credit: @headdphanieeeee / Twitter

Another dad was commiserating with the mom’s fear, knowing he had to drop his daughter off at school soon, too. “This is awesome!” he tweeted. “Next week my baby starts kindergarten and I swear daddy is gonna be in tears to see my princess go somewhere without me being there! So I feel you on this”

His official “First Day of School” pic is even more precious. 

Credit: @ellyez42 / Instagram

Based in Fort Worth, Texas, Liz is clearly cultivating a bright kid. She captioned this photo, “So masterfully created and crafted. Wildfire-setting all things in his path ablaze.” she  An uncontrolled, genuine, grateful, innocuous, exuberant, kind, and messy version of two humans. A concoction of inquiries with very little answers, yet the burning question still rises within me…how am I so fortunate to know you? How giving Mother Earth has been for gifting us you.”

Folks have asked, “how is he so emotionally intelligent at such a young age?” Liz is raising him so, so right.

Credit: @ellyez42 / Instagram

She captioned this photo from March: “Boys will be boys, with respectful demeanors who hold the aptitude to take no for an answer.” I’m sobbing.

“Trust your offspring and they will deliver honesty,” she continues. “Remind them that it’s okay to cry, then laugh with them when the tears subside. Teach boys to water their gardens so that they can watch their flowers bloom until they are old enough to pick the right one.”

Everyone is wishing him a happy first day of school, and even offering to send him care packages.

Credit: @YatMysterio / Twitter

This new fan is just enamored with him. She tracked down Liz’s Instagram and commented, “Twitter brought me here, amazing kid with a big future ahead. Keep him protected at all cost. I don’t know of your life, but if you are a single parent. You are doing an amazing job 💙 reminds me of the bond I have with my mom. If you can send me anything he likes, books, snacks, toys. I’d love to send him a care package!

Seems like his first day might have been more boring than anticipated.

Credit: @Bjohnsxn_ / Twitter

Just 17 more years to go, pequeño! Chin up! Well, not *that* up. This kid has gotten more bendiciones in one day than most of us have had in our whole lives, so we know he’s going places. He’s been dubbed a “hero” and folks are looking to him “to do soo much in the future.”

Shoutout to this kid for giving Texas something to smile about.

Credit: @_Buhlez / Twitter

Also, Liz, can you write up a brief parenting course for everyone else out here? Brava.

READ: Bad Bunny Just Dropped a Line of Notebooks With Walmart And We are Officially Ready To Head Back To School

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