comedy

17 Things That Would Happen If President Trump Has His Way And The Wall Was Built

Openstreetmap / BBC

The Trump presidency has brought dark times for Latinos in the U.S. and for Latin American countries in general. Mexico, in particular, has been the target of vitriolic attacks by the president, and foreign policy issues have marred the relationship between the two countries.

However, since we are Latinos, we always find humor in almost everything. Let’s add a pinch of irony to this situation and imagine what the U.S. and Mexico would go through if the border wall was built.

1. There would be awesome street art on the Mexican side

Credit: @streetart_mexico / Instagram

Mexico is home to some of the best street art in the world, and artists from border town like Tijuana are particularly amazing. If the wall was built they would have a huge canvas to take out their rage in a colorful bien chingona way.

2. And probably ugly billboards for the Americans

Credit: @teslatari / Twitter

Let’s be honest: U.S. companies would LOVE to have a billboard longer and “more massive” than any billboard before in the history of the world, the “bestest” billboard ever, let me tell ya.

3. Americans would find out how annoying San Diego spring breakers are.

Credit: 480342047-56a90ebd5f9b58b7d0f7b923. Digital image. TripSavvy.

No more crazy binge drinking South of the Border. Spring breakers from sunny California would find it oh so difficult to cross the border now and trash Tijuana, so they would just demolish every single bar they could find in San Diego. Mexicans would be happy to know that America isn’t sending “their best” anymore.

4. Rich white men would reconnect with nature… for five minutes!

Credit: 895789287-backyard-planting-white-haired-gardening. Digital image. Framepool.

There would be a shortage of amazing paisano gardeners, so rich, privileged, entitled white dudes would find it fun to get their hands and boss shirts dirty to garden…for five minutes. Later they would scream at the sight of sweat and call out for “Juaaaaaan”, only to find out that “Juan” was actually called Ramiro and he is no longer there to service him.

5. The US entertainment industry would be white town again…

Credit: Beverly Hills 90210. Spelling Entertainment.

Remember those 1990s shows in which diversity was nonexistent? Well, the border wall would create a tense environment for any non-white actor and U.S. audiences would have to deal with casts as non-representative as this.

6. Actually, Latino talent in Hollywood would protest en masse… no more Salmita, Diego or Gael

Credit: @salmahayek / Instagram

There is no denying that contemporary Hollywood is less boring thanks to kickass Latino talent like Salma Hayek and Diego Luna. Well, if the wall was built they would give the industry the middle finger in protest and trigger huge losses…. and know what? Most people would support them.

7. Many Americans would finally find out where Mexico is located

Credit: _93895486_us_mexico_border_wall. Digital image. BBC.

It is no secret that geography is not one of the strengths of the US education system. Most non-ethnic Americans are brought up with a sense of superiority they just don’t think it is that important to know where other countries in the world are located. The endless news reports about the wall would educate people into not believing that Mexico borders with Brazil.

8. Target and Wal-Mart would cry foul as “ya no hay Mexicanos de shopping”

Credit: 920×920. Digital image. San Antonio Express News.

Mexicans love to shop in Los Estates, and around Christmas time many cross the border to do their compras in border cities like McAllen, Texas. Well, sorpresa, take that, Target!

9. Rich white parents would touch their babies’ poo for the first time

Credit: poopmean-a0741d2a-16fc-4286-b1c2-c26bab06ebcb. Digital image. Mom365

Yes, many Anglo parents outsource the most grueling tasks and even their children’s upbringing to the thousands of Latino nannies that are a true cornerstone of American society. Many lazy parents would change diapers for the first time and curse the damn wall as a spot of caca falls on their designer clothes.

10. Taco Bell would be the closest you could get to real Mexican cuisine

Credit: Facebook-3cf17d. Digital image. Funny.

No more real carnitas, sopes or tlayudas. No more fondas or cantinas. Straight up processed cheese and hard shell tacos smothered with cumin, plastic chili and what passes as meat. Gracias por nada, Donaldo!

11. Mexican entrepreneurs would open dozens of climbing walls

Credit: Climbing-Wall-Maggie_Daley. Digital image. Chicago Park District.

Mexicans are creative as hell, and wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to establish dozens of climbing clubs along the border. The country would become a world leader in this nascent sport.

12. Developers would sell costly apartments with “A view of the wall” on the U.S. side.

Credit: maxresdefault. Digital image. YouTube.

Make no mistake. The border wall would be a beautiful sight for many. Real estate developers would see money in this opportunity and invest in lavish apartment buildings for the racist and misfits of the country. They would make quite a buck.

13. Move over Chupacabras, there is a new monster in town

Credit: 11424690_10100260190014607_975544564_n. Digital image. Enclave Publishing.

For generations to come mothers on both sides of the border wall would tell their children the story of a scary, beer-bellied orange monster who can take children away while laughing, and who SPOKE IN CAPS! All children would behave so the orange monster doesn’t take them (remember he has a certain fondness of taking one-year-olds from their families).

14. There would be a Mexican-American remake of Game of Thrones

Credit: Game of Thrones. HBO.

The border wall would acquire mythical proportions and be spoken about for years to come. HBO would decide to make a remake of his successful Game of Thrones franchise and set in in contemporary times. It would be shot in Mexico, of course.  One does not simply build walls.

15. After his presidency, Trump would build casinos alongside his wall

Credit: _90668276_gettyimages-74342979. Digital image. BBC Mundo.

Las Vegas was built in a desert, right? So what about making the whole border a gambling Mecca! President Trump would open his Wall Mahal and others would follow.

16. All the dogs treated by Cesar Millan would flee to Mexico, causing mass panic

Credit: Cesar-Shares-His-Greatest-Moments_0. Digital image. Cesar’s Way

Dogs treated by the famous whisperer would have established a deeper connection to him that to their owners. Seeing Milan’s anger, they would decide that they are too noble to stay in the U.S. and would flee to Mexico, where they would be received with open arms. Thousands of Beverly Hills housewives would despair! Ay, no, pobrecitas!

17. Spanish would overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the U.S.

Credit: home-depot. Digital image. New York Post

Projections mark how Spanish could very well overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the country. Latinos who live in the United States would see the border wall as an affront and speak Spanish as an act of resistance. There would be no turning back!

21 Extravagant Latino Wedding Cakes That Will Make You Go "QUE?!"

comedy

21 Extravagant Latino Wedding Cakes That Will Make You Go “QUE?!”

Of all the stereotypes that us Latinos are burdened with, perhaps there is one that is actually true and really a compliment: we know how to party! Latino weddings are perhaps the less ceremonious and most over the top. They generally last for at least 12 hours (if not two or three days) and often tradition is disregarded in favor of whatever will result in a fun fiesta. When you think about a cake for a Latino wedding you have to take into account that size matters: guests are likely hungry after jumping and dancing for hours.

Wedding cakes throughout Latin America and in Latino communities in countries like the United States go from the discreet to the extravagant! We have chosen examples on both ends of the spectrum. Latin America is a region that bursts with creativity and inventiveness and these culinary confections are testament to this. Of course the bride usually has the last word even if countless family members are likely to give their opinion.

1. If you are getting married, why not face the dragon of matrimony right from the start? Ay, nanita!

Credit: Instagram. @sugarshopmexico

Sugar Shop is a bakery in Mexico that just goes over the top and takes on the most thinking-outside-the-box challenges. This awesome cake takes on a medieval theme and gives a whole new meaning to slaying the dragon. There are plenty of Juego de tronos fans in good old Latam so this kind of cake is likely to be popular for a few years to come. We propose an Aztec dragon for next time!

2. Or give a little taste of the honeymoon destination? Par-ee!

Credit: Instagram. @sugarshopmexico

Oh la la! This kitschy cake looks part teenage cute and part new chic. The Eiffel Tower on top gives it an European twist that doesn’t quite get sophistication right. To be brutally honest, the black frosting does not look appetizing. Para nada!

3. Or just a Just Married car would do just fine, tengo o no tengo razón?

Credit: Instagram. @sugarshopmexico

We don’t know what is more uncanny…. eating a car or the fact that the groom is actually wearing a joker hat! You still have time to change your mind, runaway bride! Also, who is driving?

4. I mean look at this…

Credit: Instagram. @fridaenamorada

“Extravagance” lays on the eye of the beholder, and having a discreet wedding cake is oftentimes a bigger statement than mountains of merengue and adornos. The dry leaves give it a very “Mexican Revolution” and timeless feel.

5. Can you even spot the cake? Is that it hidden in the curtain?

Credit: Instagram. @myzali_new_macrame

Tons of Latino abues love macrame. But this cake is just hidden amongst this monstrosity of a curtain. Very kitschy but it can surely remind us of some horribly decorated salas de estar from our childhood.

6. What kind if fresh hell is this?

Credit: 2. Digital image. Vita Alegria.

An infamous example of Latino machismo. No comments other than “do not attempt at home”. Whoever this couple is, we just hope their married life isn’t this miserable.

7. Arre, arre, una boda for horse lovers, mijo. Una boda muy ranchera.

Credit: Instagram. @panqueevents

No caption needed. This couple took their equine obsession a bit too far. We are sure that the banda music was at full blast all night.

8. This Mexican pastel de bodas is just too pretty to eat

Credit: Instagram. @lavieenrosexalapa

This looks like one of those hand knitted manteles that abuelitas love to make. Not too delicate, but cute and certainly a trip back Latino memory lane! We love the multicolored marigolds too.

9. Is this cake or a garden full of florecitas?

Credit: Instagram. @lavieenrosexalapa

A little flower is OK, but this bakery in Mexico took it a bit too far… are you sure those are edible?

10. Or what about this cake with hearts that seem to be actually bleeding! Que alguien los ayude!

Credit: Instagram. @panqueevents

A good idea gone slightly wrong. We know that us Latinos are passionate…. but you don’t want your invitados to actually feel like they are drinking your loving hearts’ pouring blood!

11. El tamaño sí importa (size does matter)

Credit: Instagram. @Velvetcakes

Wow. This cake just keeps going and going and going…. Latino bride and grooms, and particularly los papás de la novia, like to show off, so this cake is a perfect way to make guests feel gossipy and jealous.

12. Día de bodas or Día de Muertos?

Credit: tetrico-diseno-de-pastel-de-boda. Digital image. Ella Hoy.

Strangely cute… a Day of the Death confection that takes the wedding vows a bit too far. Would you like some rotten teeth with your pastelito? The bloody base also makes it look a little bit Twilight.

13. Taco… miendo pastel de bodas

Credit: torta-taco-nina. Digital image. Sweet Mafer.

This actually makes us laugh a bit! Why not combine the most famous Mexican dish with a colorful cake? We just hope that the actual cake is actually al pastor flavor! What we do hope is that the couple offered some taquitos in the early hours of the morning, or perhaps some delicious chilaquiles.

14. Let us recover with this Mexi-beauty

Credit: 137597. Digital image. 100 Layer Cake.

After the horrible display of twisted gender politics in the last example, what about this gorgeous cake for a simple, small marital gathering? The papaya halves give this arrangement a fresh and very very Latino look. That mantelito is also colorful and true to Mexican tradition.

15. This transnational failed topper attempt

Credit: Hispanic-Wedding-Cake-Topper-718031. Digital image. Wedding Cake Toppers.

The bride is clearly from Brazil and the groom is Mexican. We are all for inclusivity and representation of us people of color, but the bride and groom look like they came out of Bizarro Sesame Street. And we are sure that if the groom is truly loosing his hair h wouldn’t want to brag about it!

16. Let them eat cupcakes, compadres y comadres!

Credit: 210105_festive-latin-american-wedding. Digital image. Wedding Chicks.

A great idea for a Latino wedding. Guests will be dancing and drinking and you don’t want to deal with a cakey mess: just give them colorful cupcakes and let them enjoy their desert while dancing to Celia Cruz or Juanga. It will also be easier to send the guests off with come desert pa curar la cruda.

17. Orgullo Yankee, parce!

Credit: il_680x540.898325599_lte4. Digital image. iWeddingToppers

Latinos in the United States tend to be avid baseball fans, and this topper for a couple of Dominican Yankee fans speaks to shared sports fandom for a Hispanic couple. Could be substituted with soccer teams for all those rabid hinchas.

18.Hasta que la muerte nos separe (till death due us part)

Credit: 100_1003. Digital image. Suenos Latin American Imports

Romantic and a bit creepy at the same time. What a wedding cake topper in Coco would look like. We are sure, however, that some gringos would find it confronting. Why would skeletons get married? Duh.

19. Some others are delicate but luscious

Credit: Instagram. @fridaenamorada

Mexican blog Frida Enamorada showcased this delicious fig and grape cake… it has an slightly gothic look for those more alternative novias. Not every bride wants to be all Frozen, so this is a cute and timeless piece.

21. This cake makes us wonder if it is kitschy art or desert!

Credit: Instagram. @las_dos_d5.

The edible topper looks like the horrible sculptures that some comadres make in their spare time. Latin American kitsch at its best worst. It looks like the horrible art that bored tías sometimes make. The rose petals are supposed to be classy but enter tacky territory.

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