17 Things That Would Happen If President Trump Has His Way And The Wall Was Built
The Trump presidency has brought dark times for Latinos in the U.S. and for Latin American countries in general. Mexico, in particular, has been the target of vitriolic attacks by the president, and foreign policy issues have marred the relationship between the two countries.
However, since we are Latinos, we always find humor in almost everything. Let’s add a pinch of irony to this situation and imagine what the U.S. and Mexico would go through if the border wall was built.
1. There would be awesome street art on the Mexican side
Mexico is home to some of the best street art in the world, and artists from border town like Tijuana are particularly amazing. If the wall was built they would have a huge canvas to take out their rage in a colorful bien chingona way.
2. And probably ugly billboards for the Americans
Let’s be honest: U.S. companies would LOVE to have a billboard longer and “more massive” than any billboard before in the history of the world, the “bestest” billboard ever, let me tell ya.
3. Americans would find out how annoying San Diego spring breakers are.
No more crazy binge drinking South of the Border. Spring breakers from sunny California would find it oh so difficult to cross the border now and trash Tijuana, so they would just demolish every single bar they could find in San Diego. Mexicans would be happy to know that America isn’t sending “their best” anymore.
4. Rich white men would reconnect with nature… for five minutes!
There would be a shortage of amazing paisano gardeners, so rich, privileged, entitled white dudes would find it fun to get their hands and boss shirts dirty to garden…for five minutes. Later they would scream at the sight of sweat and call out for “Juaaaaaan”, only to find out that “Juan” was actually called Ramiro and he is no longer there to service him.
5. The US entertainment industry would be white town again…
Remember those 1990s shows in which diversity was nonexistent? Well, the border wall would create a tense environment for any non-white actor and U.S. audiences would have to deal with casts as non-representative as this.
6. Actually, Latino talent in Hollywood would protest en masse… no more Salmita, Diego or Gael
There is no denying that contemporary Hollywood is less boring thanks to kickass Latino talent like Salma Hayek and Diego Luna. Well, if the wall was built they would give the industry the middle finger in protest and trigger huge losses…. and know what? Most people would support them.
7. Many Americans would finally find out where Mexico is located
It is no secret that geography is not one of the strengths of the US education system. Most non-ethnic Americans are brought up with a sense of superiority they just don’t think it is that important to know where other countries in the world are located. The endless news reports about the wall would educate people into not believing that Mexico borders with Brazil.
8. Target and Wal-Mart would cry foul as “ya no hay Mexicanos de shopping”
Mexicans love to shop in Los Estates, and around Christmas time many cross the border to do their compras in border cities like McAllen, Texas. Well, sorpresa, take that, Target!
9. Rich white parents would touch their babies’ poo for the first time
Yes, many Anglo parents outsource the most grueling tasks and even their children’s upbringing to the thousands of Latino nannies that are a true cornerstone of American society. Many lazy parents would change diapers for the first time and curse the damn wall as a spot of caca falls on their designer clothes.
10. Taco Bell would be the closest you could get to real Mexican cuisine
No more real carnitas, sopes or tlayudas. No more fondas or cantinas. Straight up processed cheese and hard shell tacos smothered with cumin, plastic chili and what passes as meat. Gracias por nada, Donaldo!
11. Mexican entrepreneurs would open dozens of climbing walls
Mexicans are creative as hell, and wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to establish dozens of climbing clubs along the border. The country would become a world leader in this nascent sport.
12. Developers would sell costly apartments with “A view of the wall” on the U.S. side.
Make no mistake. The border wall would be a beautiful sight for many. Real estate developers would see money in this opportunity and invest in lavish apartment buildings for the racist and misfits of the country. They would make quite a buck.
13. Move over Chupacabras, there is a new monster in town
For generations to come mothers on both sides of the border wall would tell their children the story of a scary, beer-bellied orange monster who can take children away while laughing, and who SPOKE IN CAPS! All children would behave so the orange monster doesn’t take them (remember he has a certain fondness of taking one-year-olds from their families).
14. There would be a Mexican-American remake of Game of Thrones
The border wall would acquire mythical proportions and be spoken about for years to come. HBO would decide to make a remake of his successful Game of Thrones franchise and set in in contemporary times. It would be shot in Mexico, of course. One does not simply build walls.
15. After his presidency, Trump would build casinos alongside his wall
Las Vegas was built in a desert, right? So what about making the whole border a gambling Mecca! President Trump would open his Wall Mahal and others would follow.
16. All the dogs treated by Cesar Millan would flee to Mexico, causing mass panic
Dogs treated by the famous whisperer would have established a deeper connection to him that to their owners. Seeing Milan’s anger, they would decide that they are too noble to stay in the U.S. and would flee to Mexico, where they would be received with open arms. Thousands of Beverly Hills housewives would despair! Ay, no, pobrecitas!
17. Spanish would overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the U.S.
Projections mark how Spanish could very well overtake English as the most widely spoken language in the country. Latinos who live in the United States would see the border wall as an affront and speak Spanish as an act of resistance. There would be no turning back!
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