bad hombres

This Mexican Black Kingsnake Had A Layover On Its Way To Your Nightmares

Phil Peak/ YouTube

Evening Standard reports that a huge Mexican black kingsnake had to be rescued after it was found in from a residential area of Neasden, London.

Although Mexican black kingsnakes are only native to the Americas, they’ve made their way to other parts of the world.

Phil Peak / YouTube

Not native to England, this terrifying snake is usually only found in regions of the Sonora Desert, Arizona, Northwestern Sinaloa, and Mexico says the report.

A huge one was found in the garden of a woman in northwest London and she called for backup.

conservsyndicate / YouTube

The woman who made the shocking discovery was stunned to find the scaly creature slithering in her garden. Instead of setting fire to her residential property and running away from that scaly nightmare, she called the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to help save the day.

When the RSPCA arrived, they noticed that the snake was wounded…

Hard Target / Universal Pictures 

Although the snake looked like it had been attacked, it was not seriously injured. Specialists suspect a fox or a cat may have gotten a hold of it. My guess would have been that either Ice Cube or Jennifer Lopez were responsible, but maybe they only tangle with anacondas.

So they picked it up and took it to an animal hospital to treat it.

avianexoticsvet / YouTube

Collection officer Jill Sanders of the RSPCA goaded the reptile into a box and then took it to the specialist center to be cared for under professional supervision.

Experts think the snake was probably just being kept as a pet until it escaped.

TygerByte / YouTube

According to the article, when they aren’t jailbreaking themselves from vivariums, these serpents are pretty popular pets. They eat “small rodents, lizards, birds, eggs, and even other snakes,” so they’re actually pretty easy and fun to take care of — especially if you’re the kind of pet owner who likes feeding live animals to live animals.

[H/T] Evening Standard: Huge Mexican snake discovered in north-west London garden

READ: A New Spider Was Discovered In Baja California After Biting Someone, And It’s Bigger Than A Softball

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WTF? YouTube Is Teaching Your Kids Things Whether You Want It To Or Not

bad hombres

WTF? YouTube Is Teaching Your Kids Things Whether You Want It To Or Not

Sean MacEntee / Esther Vargas / Flickr

NPR picked up a story about an 8-year-old kid who drove his sister to McDonald’s in the family car while their parents were in bed. The kid said he learned how to drive by watching videos on YouTube. This got me thinking of all the things I could learn… The future is here, and baby, it’ll blow your mind!

First, I looked up how to mix drinks and became a bartender.

Bartenders make bank. On top of that, those dudes get laid all the damn time. So, how can I go from ordering at the bar like some idiot, to shagging drinks behind it like Tom Cruise and that Australian guy from the movie ‘Cocktail?’

Cocktail / Touchstone Pictures

Surely, I’d need to go to some overpriced bartending school, right? Wrong. With the click of a mouse you can be homeschooled by Professor YouTube. So, why pay the teacher cow when you can get the teacher milk — or whatever — for free?

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy / Dreamworks

***Oh, and this one should probably be for people 21 or older… unless, you’re cool. ‘Cuz then, yeah. Mix it up, little brother! JK?

Then I learned to fix my car and became a real man.

One of the most emasculating things that we have to endure is the stiff f*cking we get from mechanics when we go to them with ailing vehicles in our hour of need. They take advantage of you in a way you are aware of, but can’t do anything about, and they know it.

Louie / FX

Until now! My “car guy” has been replaced by some instructional videos and all of a sudden, I’m Tim “the Toolman” Taylor. Shoutout to YouTube for empowering me with more power. *grunt* Ladies?

After that, I saw a way to cut out the middleman by cutting my own hair.

Why go to some jerk to get A hair cut if I can just study a YouTube video and cut ALL of them myself? Oh, dad jokes… Anyway, this took some practice, but it’s been a game changer.

Seinfeld / Sony Pictures

Oh, and just in case, videos exist that can teach you how to wear hats if you mess up… or if you just don’t know how to wear hats. Spoiler Alert: On your dumb head. What is wrong with people?

Also, I learned how to meet women… and close the deal!

Are you ready to get the “good leads” from some of YouTube’s top experts on lady-loving? Consider YouTube your own personal Hitch… and learn your A-B-Cs

Glengarry Glen Ross / New Line Cinema

“A: Always. B: Be. C: Closing.” Thanks to the helpful advice, I met a woman and closed the deal like a Cadillac El Dorado was on the line!

So, now that I’m in love, how do I pop the question?

It costs too much to have a pilot write it in the sky with chemtrails, and I can’t just ask her at a sports event because if she says “no,” everyone will see me cry on the Titantron again. I want to propose to her, but there’s so many ways it can go wrong. If only I could enlist the help of some army special forces lunatic to teach me the different kinds of cuts there are for some reason — wait, I don’t need to! YouTube’s got me covered!

Manthropology / YouTube

Getting engaged sounds easy! Thanks, internet!

Oh, no! She got really freaked out. And I’ve already built my whole world around her… So, how do I keep her from ever leaving me…

Phew! Problem solved! Thanks, YouTube. Shoutout to Coco Cola for the assist! What could possibly go wrong?

Well, she figured it out and left with my heart, but maybe she’d come back if only YouTube could show HER how to love…

First, I have to make a new Facebook account… because she blocked my old one (probably by mistake), then I’m gonna send this video to her. I didn’t even watch it, but it looks like it’ll do the trick. If YouTube can teach an 8-year-old to drive a car, it can teach anybody anything! But don’t take my word for it, educate yourself!

READ: Seriously, Here’s Why You Should Stop Rubbing One Out Right Now!

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