bad hombres

Misconception: Not All Latinos Can Handle Spicy Food And Here’s Why

Before the first bite, I’m a man. I can eat lightning and crap thunder or whatever. I used to eat mom’s tamales con chile with reckless abandon. Wait that was a long time ago when I was young and fearless and my stomach could well, stomach anything. Now, I need Pepto and a nap just from kissing my girlfriend after she’s had an enchilada. This is what happens after I bite into something I know I shouldn’t have…

Stage 1: One bite and beads of sweat start oozing through your pores.

George Lopez: America’s MexicanGeorge / HBO

Glands that you forgot you even have start sweating as they try to squeeze the coward out of you. Your upper lip and back are suddenly drenched. You don’t even sweat this much when you go to the gym.

Stage 2: Try to play it off.

diegolunadaily / Tumblr
CREDIT: diegolunadaily / Tumblr

You never wanna look weak, but you feel like you’re rotting from the inside out. And let’s be real, you’re not fooling anyone. They can all hear your guts rioting like the Attica Prison Uprising.

Stage 3: Look out! Fire down below.

Alien / 20th Century Fox

You’re losing your mind trying to have a conversation between each fiery breath. It feels like your lungs are filled with the unholy butt-wind of the damn Devil himself. You try to focus on what your friends are saying, but you feel like you’re about to give birth to your own bodyweight in fuming gas *or* it’s just going to explode out of your chest like an alien monster.

Stage 4: Let’s get ready to…

Pay Per View via Giphy
CREDIT: Pay Per View via Giphy

Your stomach is shaking like the Jell-o in ‘Jurassic Park.’ It’s like someone set your guts to ‘vibrate.’ Your cheeks are clenched, futilely holding in farts like Hodor trying to keep back the White Walkers in ‘Game Of Thrones.’

Stage 5: You try to put the fire out by hydrating.

Puss In Boots / Dreamworks

You throw back water because it seems to slow down the process of dying. You casually work milk into the conversation and bring up ice cream in ways that are beyond clear that you’re just shoehorning it in.

Stage 6: You try praying bargaining.

Workaholics / Comedy Central / nbamusings / Tumblr
CREDIT: Workaholics / Comedy Central / nbamusings / Tumblr

All of a sudden you become religious and you pray to God for some relief, even though he has clearly forsaken you. Maybe this is His plan all along.

Stage 7: When that doesn’t work, you turn elsewhere.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut / Paramount Pictures

God wasn’t home. You move onto trying to cut a deal with the dark lord, prince of darkness, Satan. You’re offering things you don’t have permission to give and just as you’re promising to name all of your children after Donald Trump… You start to regain feeling in your face.

Stage 8: Then you take it all back.

John Leguizamo Freak‎ / HBO

As soon as you feel even a little better, you’re immediately back to believing in science. Thank goodness for milk! I knew if you just threw a little lactose on the old intestine inferno, you could beat back the heat and regain your composure. Spicy food’s got nothing on you. You knew you had this.

Stage 9: Just when you thought it was over, you come face to face with THE NEXT MORNING…

Dragon Ball Z / Toei Animation

You fall into a ring of fire. Literally, your ass is the on fire. Even the toilet paper is catching flames. You’re back to begging God and since you’re alone, you start crying.

You will definitely never ever eat spicy food again…until you think you’re man enough to try it (again).

The Simpsons / Fox / the-future-now / Tumblr
CREDIT: The Simpsons / Fox / the-future-now / Tumblr

Or so you thought…


READ: It Takes Your Girlfriend Forever To Get Ready…

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The L.A. Times Rated All The Spicy Snacks From Hot Cheetos To Takis, And The Results Are Causing A Controversy On Twitter

Culture

The L.A. Times Rated All The Spicy Snacks From Hot Cheetos To Takis, And The Results Are Causing A Controversy On Twitter

takisusa / cheetos / Instagram

It seems that spicy foods are everywhere these days. Every brand out there is releasing some version of their original product but in ‘flamin hot’ form, there’s an abundance of YouTube videos of people eating insanely spicy foods as if it were some sort of competition, restaurants have ‘eat it and it’s free’ contests for spicy options.

The world is obsessed with spicy food right now.

But let’s be real. Many Latino foods were the OG spicy. Many Latino chefs and even our tías and abuelas have been experimenting with some seriously spicy foods for many many years.

But now that it’s gone mainstream, the LA Times recently conducted a not so official study into which snacks are the spiciest and the results have proven to be pretty controversial.

One writer at the L.A. Times decided to sample every spicy branded snack and share his findings with the world.

Credit: @latimesfood / Twitter

In the article, he says that he’s sampled every spicy snack known to mankind (not exactly), except for the ones that he couldn’t find, that he deemed unworthy, or both.

He also calls out the haters who say all the Flamin’ Hot and spicy snacks taste the same, saying that’s simply not true. He notes the subtle differences based on combination of heat vs. flavor.

So what are his findings?

Credit: @latimesfood / Twitter

According to this LA Times Food writer, his favorite spicy snack is the Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho. They’re the perfect mix of cheesy and spicy and come packed with a pretty hefty kick of spice.

Next came the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Puffs which he says are packed with spicy flavor, sometimes almost too much so. The only con he had to say about these is about the texture – sometimes too much can build up in your back teeth leaving you feeling sick.

Coming in at third place is Pop Fuego Popcorn. He says the level of MSG is at a 12 and that the flavor sensation is something like being on a rollercoaster. Pop Fuego kernels are not particularly heat-heavy but they’re almost hyperbolically tangy and acidic.

The Top 3 options weren’t exactly controversial picks but the rest of the results seemed to be pretty polarizing on social media.

Credit: @ismacont / Twitter

I mean who would ever put Takis Fuego and Doritos Dinamita in a tie for 5th place?!? Or Zapp’s Spicy Cajun Crawtators ahead of Doritos Tapatío? That’s just straight up madness.

And how are the OG Flamin’ Hot Cheetos not number one?

And it’s clear that the classic battle between Hot Cheetos and Takis rages on.

Credit: @latimesfood / Twitter

But like in all honesty, will it ever go away? I hope not.

But some on Twitter were totally not having any of it.

Credit: @latimesfood / Twitter

I mean ranking #12 out of 30 isn’t too bad. But apparently still wasn’t good enough for this Flamin’ Hot Cheetos con Limon super fan…

In his write up, Lucas Peterson said these would take a back seat to Takis any day.

I mean this Twitter user was so upset they’re apparently canceling their subscription to the LA Times.

Credit: @GenePark / Twitter

Now that’s some serious feelings there.

But, to be fair, the LA Times placed Andy Capp’s Hot Fires at #27 (out of 30) and said they had an unpleasant spice mixture that tasted like powered tomato. That’s not great.

One Doritos super fan took to Twitter to notify the LA Times of a possible typo in their report.

Credit: @iamHectorDiaz / Twitter

The LA Times actually tweeted back saying: “These are pretty good and am honestly impressed how much these taste like Tapatío, they’re just not the best *spicy* snack.

Be careful, those are fighting words.

Also, just this tweet, because I’m pretty sure all of us were thinking it.

Credit: @latimesfood / Twitter

Because the panza is a real thing.

H/T: The Official Spicy Snack Power Rankings

Tapatío Finally Learned What We Have Known For Years: Mix The Hot Sauce And Sour Cream

Culture

Tapatío Finally Learned What We Have Known For Years: Mix The Hot Sauce And Sour Cream

Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

Have you ever mixed your Tapatío hot sauce with your sour cream for tacos or tortilla chips? Well, now Tapatío wants to take that extra step out of your life. That’s right. Tapatío announced on social media that they will be selling Tapatío-infused sour cream at El Super markets.

According to Tapatío’s social media pages, El Super markets are now carrying Tapatío Sour Cream Dips in three flavors.

We thought our sour cream could use a little kick, so we gave it three! Now Available at El Super Markets!

A post shared by Tapatío's Official Page (@tapatiohotsauce) on

People can choose between Tapatío, Chipotle, or Jalapeño.

You’re probably saying, “But, like, we’ve already been doing this.”

CREDIT: mitú

And that’s a totally fair critique. It’s always been easy to take your sour cream and add some Tapatío to it. However, the announcement has been met with much excitement because it makes it easier for you to get that creamy, spicy goodness without the work or buying two products. #LazinessAlwaysWin

People can’t wait to try it out, even if it means painful bowel movements.

CREDIT: Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

If you play with fire you’re bound to get burned.

Some people are shook.

CREDIT: Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

There are some blown minds and excited Tapatío fans out there.

Boyfriends are so happy that their wallet will get a break from buying their girls two things to make their favorite sauce.

CREDIT: Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

?? ??

Some are already suggesting other fan-created sauces for Tapatío to try next.

CREDIT: Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

Listen up, Tapatío. These are ideas you should definitely be considering.

But, the most common sentiment about the sour cream dips is that people no longer have to make their own.

CREDIT: Tapatío Hot Sauce / Facebook

Yum!

Bueno…

READ: Dude Bathed In 1,250 Bottles Of Hot Sauce And Got What He Deserved

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