bad hombres

WTF? YouTube Is Teaching Your Kids Things Whether You Want It To Or Not

Sean MacEntee / Esther Vargas / Flickr

NPR picked up a story about an 8-year-old kid who drove his sister to McDonald’s in the family car while their parents were in bed. The kid said he learned how to drive by watching videos on YouTube. This got me thinking of all the things I could learn… The future is here, and baby, it’ll blow your mind!

First, I looked up how to mix drinks and became a bartender.

Bartenders make bank. On top of that, those dudes get laid all the damn time. So, how can I go from ordering at the bar like some idiot, to shagging drinks behind it like Tom Cruise and that Australian guy from the movie ‘Cocktail?’

Cocktail / Touchstone Pictures

Surely, I’d need to go to some overpriced bartending school, right? Wrong. With the click of a mouse you can be homeschooled by Professor YouTube. So, why pay the teacher cow when you can get the teacher milk — or whatever — for free?

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy / Dreamworks

***Oh, and this one should probably be for people 21 or older… unless, you’re cool. ‘Cuz then, yeah. Mix it up, little brother! JK?

Then I learned to fix my car and became a real man.

One of the most emasculating things that we have to endure is the stiff f*cking we get from mechanics when we go to them with ailing vehicles in our hour of need. They take advantage of you in a way you are aware of, but can’t do anything about, and they know it.

Louie / FX

Until now! My “car guy” has been replaced by some instructional videos and all of a sudden, I’m Tim “the Toolman” Taylor. Shoutout to YouTube for empowering me with more power. *grunt* Ladies?

After that, I saw a way to cut out the middleman by cutting my own hair.

Why go to some jerk to get A hair cut if I can just study a YouTube video and cut ALL of them myself? Oh, dad jokes… Anyway, this took some practice, but it’s been a game changer.

Seinfeld / Sony Pictures

Oh, and just in case, videos exist that can teach you how to wear hats if you mess up… or if you just don’t know how to wear hats. Spoiler Alert: On your dumb head. What is wrong with people?

Also, I learned how to meet women… and close the deal!

Are you ready to get the “good leads” from some of YouTube’s top experts on lady-loving? Consider YouTube your own personal Hitch… and learn your A-B-Cs

Glengarry Glen Ross / New Line Cinema

“A: Always. B: Be. C: Closing.” Thanks to the helpful advice, I met a woman and closed the deal like a Cadillac El Dorado was on the line!

So, now that I’m in love, how do I pop the question?

It costs too much to have a pilot write it in the sky with chemtrails, and I can’t just ask her at a sports event because if she says “no,” everyone will see me cry on the Titantron again. I want to propose to her, but there’s so many ways it can go wrong. If only I could enlist the help of some army special forces lunatic to teach me the different kinds of cuts there are for some reason — wait, I don’t need to! YouTube’s got me covered!

Manthropology / YouTube

Getting engaged sounds easy! Thanks, internet!

Oh, no! She got really freaked out. And I’ve already built my whole world around her… So, how do I keep her from ever leaving me…

Phew! Problem solved! Thanks, YouTube. Shoutout to Coco Cola for the assist! What could possibly go wrong?

Well, she figured it out and left with my heart, but maybe she’d come back if only YouTube could show HER how to love…

First, I have to make a new Facebook account… because she blocked my old one (probably by mistake), then I’m gonna send this video to her. I didn’t even watch it, but it looks like it’ll do the trick. If YouTube can teach an 8-year-old to drive a car, it can teach anybody anything! But don’t take my word for it, educate yourself!

READ: Seriously, Here’s Why You Should Stop Rubbing One Out Right Now!

If you’ve got the guts, leave a COMMENT! Don’t be a coward your whole life! Recommend this story to a friend by clicking on the SHARE button below!

It Takes Your Girlfriend Forever To Get Ready...

bad hombres

It Takes Your Girlfriend Forever To Get Ready…

Robert Warlick / youtwoTV / Youtube

You and your girl are supposed to go out to a party, but it’s been hours and she’s still isn’t ready. You were good to go in fifteen minutes, so why is she taking forever? This classic complaint has fractured gender relations since the dawn of time and continues to drive a wedge between men and women all over the world.

It takes your girlfriend forever to get ready to go out.

The Sandlot / 20th Century Fox

Even if it doesn’t look like it, she puts on a ton of makeup – or maybe she just takes a long time to put on a little – either way, how many coats of paint does one house really need? I hate to compare women to houses, but you get the point, right? I feel like I’m always just trying to hurry my girlfriend up, like “You look great. Now, finish putting on your war paint and let’s get outta here!”

Obama had two terms before she got done in the bathroom.

Diran Lyons / YouTube

Former POTUS Barack Obama aged into the distinguished gentleman pictured in the ID photo of his AARP card during the two terms he served while your girlfriend put on mascara. That’s eight years that neither of you are getting back, but at least Barry got to lead the free world a little bit. All you did was wait outside the bathroom door whining, “C’mon, babe…” like a dummy.

Here’s the scoop: She’s doing a lot more than just putting on her face…

Mrs. Doubtfire /  Twentieth Century Fox

She’s at least tweezing out that mustache, curling some lashes, and painting a set of eyebrows over the one she was born with. If you walked in on her right now, it’d look like she broke up a fight between a hardware store and a bakery; just powder and power tools scattered all over the damn where. I’ve been in there. It’s a nightmare.

She’s gotta shave…

Family Guy / FOX

You know she’s beautiful, but do you have any idea how much is involved in staying that way? Femininity is a round-the-clock job that should come with a team of caretakers to preserve and maintain the house of cards she’s built over over her upper lip. If she were to ever let the upkeep fall behind for even a week, she’d have the “dirt lip” mustache of a 13-year-old boy.

Everything. Completely bald. Like, no hair anywhere. Seriously.

Robert Warlick / YouTube

Can you imagine how late you’d be for everything if you had to shave your whole body every day before you could leave the house? You’ve cried because you had razor burn or got itchy stubble on your neck. Imagine the full-body brushfire probably covering every hidden inch of your poor girlfriend. It’s time to admit that women are tougher, or at least that they have the sh*ttier end of the stick. On top of the fact that they have all the babies, they really raise the level of difficulty by becoming completely hairless. What a life?

And if she doesn’t, she’s not going out.

Starwars: The Empire Strikes Back / LucasFilm

If a few stray hairs survive the shearing, she’s running for the razors with a vengeance. If she notices a little patch behind her kneecap, or a five ‘o’ clock shadow starting to come in, she’s shutting the whole damn night down. She won’t even be able to recognize herself in the mirror, because all she’ll see is a furious Wookie staring back at her, yelling something about Nair at her. The female psyche is a complicated trap that entangles their self-esteem so hard that even the Elephant Man can get to first base on the right day.

So, be cool and let her do her thing, dude.

The Silence Of The Lambs / MGM 

She’s an artist in there, like Picasso or a Rembrandt, but without the professional technique or any of the acclaim. She needs her full concentration, and you want her to have it, or your whole night could be over before it starts. Would you rush a surgeon that’s in the middle of a double-bypass brain surgery just because you want to go to the movies? Relax and wait. If she finishes sometime soon, you’ll still be able to catch the midnight showing of the new Tyler Perry joint before it gets spoiled all over social media.

And even though it only took you a few minutes to get ready, give her a break.

Steptoe and Son / BBC

For dudes, it’s easy: Get some Axe body spray to chop the stink off your grossest parts, and then throw on an outfit you’ve already worn less than twice between washes. Let’s face it; you get “ready” by running your head under the sink — like a drifter “freshening up” in a truck-stop men’s room.

Just try to find something constructive to do while you’re waiting…

The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow / Disney

If you were thinking of writing the next great American novel, now’s a good time to start. You’re gonna be sitting around for a long time. I mean, not long enough to go out alone and come back, but long enough to at least start ‘the Godfather‘ trilogy. Use this time for some much needed quiet reflection. Think hard about how much it means to you that she’s in there painting her face up like a Road Warrior for you.

Because when she’s finally ready, it’ll be worth it:

Red Hot Riding Hood / Warner Bros.

She’s hotter than you deserve. Don’t believe me? Pay attention to how many dudes check her out tonight. Thanks to hours of cosmetic manipulation, good genetics, and pounds of spackle, she’s looking #flawless. This is good, though. You’ve been meaning to get back in the gym for a while, and how good she looks will motivate you to take better care of yourself, so this is healthy.

READ: What If Your Girlfriend’s Bedroom Habits Are Slowly Killing You?

If you’re reading this while your girl is in the bathroom, leave a COMMENT! You’ve got the time. Also, recommend this story to a friend by clicking on the SHARE button below!

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