bad hombres

Here’s A List Of Things That Take Away Your Manhood

julochka / Flickr / To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar / Universal Pictures

In these trying times, it’s hard just to get through a full day without experiencing some form of shame. You identify as male, but opportunities arise where you have to prove it by doing what “men” are supposed to be able to do. Tío built a house with his hands… While the birdhouse you made for mamá’s birthday collapsed and crushed one of the squirrels it attracted.

Here are a few things that probably esmasculate you from time to time…

1) Buying a car can devastate you…

Chico and the Man / Warner Bros.

If you don’t know anything about purchasing a motor vehicle, going to a dealership can feel like walking down a dark alleyway in pretty makeup and a short skirt. You’re almost asking for trouble. On the flipside, your dad brags about how he started driving a Caprice at six years old.

2) And if it breaks down, that’s even worse…

Smackdown / WWE

Fixing cars is such a manly thing to do that when yours breaks down and you can’t fix it yourself, it’s like having another man take your girlfriend on a date. You become a cuckold as some dude gets all up in your lady’s undercarriage. And have you seen a mechanic’s hands? They’re filthy. No way she’s gonna be the same when you get her back.

3) When something breaks around the house and you can’t fix it…

The George Lopez Show / Warner Bros.

A man is supposed to be the master of his domain. But, if you think a Phillips head is part of your tío’s anatomy, you ain’t the master of sh*t! (Spoiler: Phillips head is a kind of screwdriver)

4) Going to the doctor…

Louie / FX

At a certain age, you have more in common with your car than you’d think — in the sense that you both need to have your oil checked… Or maybe it’s your bowling ball that you’ll relate to more — either way, there’s a lot more poking and prodding than there used to be and I swear one time that I heard my doctor tell another doctor to smell his finger after.

5) Or the gym…

The Simpsons / Fox

How are you supposed to know how to use every piece of workout equipment? You’re not a terminator robot, programmed to just know what makes a Schwarzenegger-body. Trying to bench your bodyweight next to a guy that is benching both of your bodyweights can leave you feeling like you’re better off working out at home or not at all.

6) Telling people you have food allergies…

Tommy Boy / Paramount Pictures

Nothing brings a party to a halt like your whiny fear of dying. It’s not your fault that you’re allergic to peanuts. Maybe you have a gluten thing or a dairy issue… either way, “normal” people think you’re annoying when you break down your feeding rules to the server and they’re more complicated than the instructions for taking care of a mogwai because a “real man” is supposed to stuff his face with anything he can lay eyes on.

7) Getting your computer fixed…

Ted 2 / Universal Pictures

Your hard drive crashed, so you need a pro to get it up and running. You know they can see your search history, right? You’re a freak! And now these nerds know it! It’s almost better if your computer can’t be saved. Better to let it die than for you to live in fear as the “genius” squads and “geek” bars silently judge you while they covet your secrets.

8) Cooking dinner for your girlfriend…

The Santa Clause / Walt Disney Pictures

You’re a toddler with a knife. Equal parts terrifying and terrified. You don’t trust yourself to not accidentally poison her, but if you mess up this one thing, she’ll know you’re useless. You don’t need help because you’ve got the recipe Abuela gave you! Wait, it’s written in shorthand… What the hell is “two fingers – agua?!”

9) Drinking…

Supernatural / CW

You don’t hold your alcohol all that well, so what? Your face can’t even act like a man’s face after you’ve taken a shot. Your social life is a series of embarrassing spit-takes and wine cooler hangovers. Your bar receipts read like fairy tales featuring the boy prince of hard ciders. How does Chente do it?!

It’s an emasculating world, but that’s changing every day…

Little Giants / Warner Bros.

First, they stopped serving peanuts on airplanes. Thanks, allergies! Now, there are self-driving cars. Soon, there’ll be self-fixing cars! If I were you, I’d invest in some prescription sunglasses for those sensitive eyes, because the future is almost upon us and it’s looking bright as hell.

READ: 7 Ways Your Big Brother Ruined Your Life And Made You Into The Man You Are Today

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Here's Why Once You Go To A Dominican Barbershops, You Never Go Back To The Other Spots

bad hombres

Here’s Why Once You Go To A Dominican Barbershops, You Never Go Back To The Other Spots

The Boston Globe / YouTube / Joe Flood / Flickr

You don’t have to be a major league baseball player to know that Dominican barbershops are a grand slam! But, what you might not know is that the experience is as much about the shapeups, lineups, and cut styles as it is about the atmosphere. Where else can you find a barber who can dance without spilling his coffee as he wins an argument with his landlord on the phone while giving you the best haircut of your life?

If you’re like me, you crave the smoothness of a straight razor shave, but wish it had a little more…let’s say, pageantry.

radaflow22 / Instagram

Well, look no further! You’ll walk into a barbershop and suddenly be transported to sunny Santo Domingo as the man with a blade to your throat dances bachata with his eyes closed. Finally, a barber for the adrenaline junkie in all of us.

Plus, they can give you the bone structure that God didn’t couldn’t.

Hairline
_mojaito_cutz_ / Instagram

Shoutout to barbers for giving jawlines to us chubby-faced dudes. Seriously, my face shape is “doughnut.”

Because they use at least 3 kinds of razors!

Safari647 / YouTube

Gillette’s Mach3 razor changed the face of shaving when it was introduced because it used three blades at once. Dominican barbers will give you that same innovative cut — just not at the same time, so it takes 3x as long, but it’s worth it.

Also, they get the freshest selection of bootleg movies available…

Duvonne Berry / YouTube

The quality of your barber shop is relative to the selection of bootleg dvds offered by hustlers coming in off the street.


Disclaimer: It’s safe to buy microwaves, but definitely don’t buy sunglasses, because whoever they stole them from probably lives in the area.

Plus, the coffee. Trust me.

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Hope Abrams / Flickr

It’s unreal. Serving it in those blue paper cups makes it even better, somehow, and nobody knows why. Coffee is a staple of the culture and an important part of Dominican social life.

When it’s over, you get powdered…

The Cable Guy / Sony Pictures

They’ll give your face the baby’s butt treatment that your skin will go gaga for. I think it was Scarface who famously said, “In this country, you get the powder. Then when you get the powder, you get the women…” Either way, that’s one of the two rules I live by — that, and “Always listen to guys whose names have the word ‘scar’ in them.”

And warm toweled — whether you want it or not.

Cartoon Network India / YouTube

Your poor pores have suffered enough bad shaves. Pamper them bad boys with a warm towel! It’s not just for rich guys on airplanes anymore!

So, go get your haircut, already…

The Boston Globe / YouTube

Oh, and while you’re there, get them ALL cut! See what I did there?! Oh, dad jokes…


READ: Here’s A List Of Wrestling Moves You Didn’t Know Were Invented By Latinos 

If you wanna shoutout your barber or know someone who needs to clean up their lineup, leave a comment or share this story with all of your friends by tapping that little share button below!

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